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OWN  YOUR  OWN 
HOME 


By  RING  W.LARDNER 

Author  of  My  Four  Weeks  in  France,  The  Real 
Dope,  Treat  'Em  Rough,  etc. 


Illustrated  by 
FONTAINE  FOX 


INDIANAPOLIS 

THE  BOBBS-MERRILL  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


COPYRIGHT  1919 
Tex  BOBBS-MERKILL  COMPANY 


Printed  in  the  United  States  of  America 


PRESS    OF 

BRAUNWORTH    ft   CO. 

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OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 


507 


OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 


CHAPTER  I 


IT  S    THE    ONLY    LIFE 


Chicago,  May  3 — 
Brother  Charley.  I  bet  when  you 
here  what  I  &  Grace  has  made  up 
our  minds  you  &  Mary  will  wisht 
you  was  doing  the  same  thing 
or  may  be  you  will  follow  our 
exampel  &  do  the  same  thing  & 
I  hope  you  will  because  its  the 
only  way  to  live  when  you  got  chil- 
dern. 

Charley  we  made  up  our  minds  to  buy  a  place  some 
wheres  out  in  the  subburbs  &  build  a  house  not  a  grate 
big  house  of  corse  but  a  house  where  a  man  can  move 
a  round  in  with  out  bumping  in  to  the  walls  all  the 
wile  and  have  enough  ground  so  the  childern  wont  half 
to  be  cooped  up  all  the  day  like  in  a  flat  but  can  run 
around  &  get  some  exxersise. 

The  other  day  the  Walters  come  to  see  us  &  stayed 


2  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

all  p  m  &  little  Ed  &  the  baby  both  of  them  hollered 
all  the  wile  they  was  there  &  when  the  Walters  had 
went  I  says  to  Grace  its  a  bout  time  you  lerned  them 
babys  to  shut  there  mouth  when  we  got  Co.  &  Grace 
says  I  can't  do  nothing  with  them  because  there  cooped 
up  in  the  flat  all  day  &  dont  never  get  out  &  how  can 
you  expect  them  to  be  nothing  but  cross  &  mean  all 
the  wile.  She  says  you  are  makeing  good  money  now 
&  I  dont  see  why  is  it  we  cant  find  a  place  out  in  the 
country  some  wheres  &  live  there  &  it  wouldent  take 
you  no  longer  to  get  to  work  then  it  does  now  with 
this  rotten  L  servus. 

So  I  says  well  when  our  lease  runs  out  in  Oct.  I  will 
look  a  round  in  some  of  them  subburbs  &  see  can  we 
rent  a  house  reasonible  or  may  be  we  can  buy  a  little  1 
on  payments.  Then  Grace  says  lets  buy  a  lot  some 
wheres  &  build  our  own  house  &  I  says  what  do  you 
think  I  am  rockefellow  &  she  says  no  but  you  dont 
half  to  be  rockefellow  to  build  a  house  now  days  be 
cause  you  can  borry  the  money  &  pay  it  back  a  little 
to  a  time  &  just  like  paying  rent  only  your  getting 
more  for  your  money.  Then  she  says  and  besides  I 
got  $500  in  the  bank  that  you  can  take  &  how  much 
you  got  in  the  bank  your  self.  I  had  got  out  my  bank 
book  &  seen  where  I  had  a  bout  $300  &  with  her  $500 
that  makes  a  bout  $800  &  we  can  get  a  nice  lot  some 
wheres  for  that  amt.  &  then  pay  for  the  house  by  the 
mo.  &  build  a  bungello  say  costing  $1200  and  have  it 
all  payed  for  in  1  jr.  by  paying  $25  per  wk.  &  meen 


'IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  3 

lime  we  can  live  on  $£5  per  wk.  &  cut  down  on  cloths 
&  nickle  shows  &  groserys. 

I  am  going  to  get  off  tomorrow  p  m  and  Annies 
comeing  over  to  look  out  for  the  babys  while  I  &  Grace 
gos  to  1  of  the  subburbs  &  we  are  going  to  look  them 
all  over  1  to  a  time  before  we  chose  the  1  we  want  so 
it  may  be  will  be  £  or  3  mos.  before  I  can  write  &  tell 
you  where  are  we  going  to  locat  at.  But  now  I  cant 
hardly  wait  till  we  got  our  lot  &  started  to  build  our 
bungello  because  a  man  aint  realy  liveing  when  he  is 
liveing  in  a  flat  &  espeshaly  when  youve  got  childern. 
You  better  get  busy  Charley  &  get  in  to  the  game. 
Kindest  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Chicago,  May 
Brother  Charley.  I  dident  think  I  would  be  writeing 
you  this  news  so  quick  but  we  got  our  lot  all  ready  & 
its  out  to  Allison  16  mi.  west  of  the  Loop  on  the  c  d  & 
x  &  it  dont  only  take  40  min.  for  the  trains  to  come 
in  to  town  &  it  takes  me  35  min.  now  to  go  in  on  the  L. 
We  was  going  to  look  over  all  the  subburbs  but  Allison 
was  the  1st.  1  on  the  list  &  Grace  got  stuck  on  it  right 
a  way  &  so  did  I  &  we  went  a  round  with  the  real  estate 
man  &  he  showed  us  some  swell  lots  &  1  that  you  could- 
ent  get  a  way  from  because  it  was  big  &  roomy  &  3 
big  trees  on  it  that  the  real  estate  man  says  is  maple 
&  a  real  bargun  because  its  100  ft.  frontidge  &  150 


4  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

ft.  deep  &  only  $1500  &  we  can  pay  for  it  when  ever 
we  get  ready  provideing  its  in  side  of  2  yrs.  &  thats 
easy. 

I  had  $100  a  long  with  me  when  we  went  out  &  when 
I  seen  what  a  bargun  we  was  gettin  &  the  real  estate 
man  says  we  better  hurry  if  we  wanted  it  because  some 
body  else  was  libel  to  see  it  &  cop  it  out  so  I  give  the 
real  estate  man  the  $100  to  bind  the  bargun  &  he  is 
going  to  get  the  papers  fixed  up  today  &  then  I  will 


give  him  the  other  $700  we  got  saved  in  the  bank  & 
then  we  can  borry  the  money  to  build  the  bungello  & 
pay  that  back  a  mo.  at  a  time  &  finnish  up  paying  for 
the  lot  after  words.  We  figure  that  in  2  yrs.  we  will  be 
all  cleaned  up  &  have  our  own  home  &  not  be  worring 
a  bout  no  rent  onct  a  mo.  &  they'll  be  room  for  the  kids 
to  play  a  round  all  day  with  out  no  danger  of  them  be 
ing  ran  over  by  a  st.  car  or  some  thing. 

I  got  a  date  with  the  real  estate  man  to  get  the  pa- 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  5 

pers  fixed  up  &  must  hurry  down  town.  You  better  get 
busy  Charley  &  get  in  to  the  game. 
Kindest  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Chicago,  May  7 — 

Dear  Charley.  Well  Charley  I  guess  I  was  in  to  much 
of  a  hurry  &  it  dont  look  now  like  we  would  start  build 
ing  this  summer  but  will  half  to  wait  till  later  on.  I  did- 
ent  know  how  they  done  them  things  but  found  out  that 
theys  a  lot  of  red  tape  &  you  cant  do  them  things  in 
no  hurry  like  I  thot.  The  real  estate  man  dident  have  no 
papers  fixed  up  the  day  before  yest.  like  he  promused 
but  had  them  fixed  up  yest.  &  he  give  me  the  warranty 
deed  or  what  ever  it  is  they  call  it  &  I  give  him  my 
note  for  $700.  for  the  rest  of  what  we  owe  on  the  lot 
&  the  notes  for  2yrs  with  6%  int.  per  annum  &  all  so 
cost  me  $25.  to  get  what  they  call  a  garantee  polisy 
from  the  title  &  trust  Co.  which  garantees  that  the 
title  is  o  k  &  they  cant  no  body  take  the  lot  a  way  from 
me  un  less  I  dont  pay  up  the  bal.  which  of  corse  I  will 
pay  up  as  soon  is  posable. 

Well  after  this  was  fixed  up  I  went  a  round  to  the 
bank  where  I  had  my  saveings  at  &  went  to  the  real  es 
tate  dept.  &  seen  the  man  there  and  asked  him  did  they 
make  building  lones  &  the  man  says  yes.  Well  I  says  I 
want  to  borry  $1200  to  build  a  bungello  out  to  Allison 
&  he  says  do  you  own  a  lot  &  I  says  yes  &  he  says  let 


6  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

me  take  a  look  at  your  papers  so  I  show  him  my  pa 
pers  &  he  says  yes  you  own  a  lot  all  but  paying  $700 
more  on  it.  I  says  yes  but  I  own  it  because  there  is  the 
deed  &  the  garantee  polisy  &  when  I  get  threw  paying 
you  back  what  you  lone  me  to  build  the  house  I  will 
pay  off  the  bal.  on  the  lot  &  he  says  o  no  you  wont  be 
cause  we  dont  do  no  busness  that  way  &  1st.  you  got 
to  pay  off  what  you  owe  on  the  lot  &  then  may  be  we 
can  fix  it  up  a  bout  a  building  lone  but  I  wont  promus 


nothing.  Well  I  argude  with  him  but  nothing  doing  & 
when  I  come  home  &  told  Grace  I  thot  shed  cry  her 
eyes  out  but  finely  we  seen  they  wasent  no  use  in  that 
so  all  we  can  do  now  is  save  up  &  pay  off  the  $700  we 
still  owe  on  the  lot  &  then  we  can  start  building  &  meen 
time  we  can  be  planing  the  bungello  &  we  figure  that 
we  can  save  $30  per  wk.  in  sted  of  $25  if  we  live  pretty 
clost  &  can  have  the  lot  payed  for  in  less  than  6  mos. 
&  that  will  be  in  Nov.  &  we  can  be  all  ready  to  start 
building  &  get  the  foundashun  layed  before  real  cold 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  7 

weather  &  then  the  carpenters  can  finnish  up  dureing 
the  winter  &  we  can  be  in  the  house  next  spring  &  we 
will  half  to  renew  our  lease  for  6  mos.  but  we  dont  care 
nothing  a  bout  that  because  it  aint  so  bad  liveing  in  a 
flat  dureing  winter  when  the  kids  couldent  be  out  much 
any  way. 

Kindest  rgds.  to  Mary. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


Chicago,  Nov.  2 — 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  we  got  our  lot  payed 
for  sooner  then  we  figured  &  its  all  payed  for  now  be 
cause  Graces  old  man  come  acrost  on  her  berth  day  & 
give  her  $100  &  says  it  was  for  her  to  buy  cloths  with 
but  she  says  we  would  stick  it  right  in  to  the  lot  &  the 
old  man  wouldent  never  know  the  dffrence  &  I  says  all 
right  thats  fine.  But  the  man  that  owned  the  lot  before 
we  got  it  stuck  us  up  for  $20  int.  &  I  dident  see  how 
they  could  be  int.  when  we  dident  yet  have  the  lot  no 
where  near  a  yr.  but  the  real  estate  man  says  it  was 
right  &  what  could  I  do. 

But  we  aint  going  to  build  no  bungello  after  all  be 
cause  Grace  lerned  from  her  brothers  wife  Gus  Wal 
ters  that  bungellos  was  all  out  of  date  &  no  good  & 
they  wasent  no  room  in  them  &  if  you  was  going  to 
build  a  house  why  not  build  a  good  1 .  So  we  been  talk 
ing  to  a  young  archateck  &  he  says  we  can  put  up  a 
swell  2  story  house  for  $2000  &  he  will  draw  up  the 


8  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

plans  &  see  that  the  house  is  built  o  k  &  all  we  half  to 
give  him  is  5%  of  what  the  house  cost  or  $100  &  he 
will  over  look  the  hole  busness  &  hes  a  good  archateck 
all  right  because  he  graduated  out  of  the  univ.  &  got 
his  office  way  up  on  pretty  near  the  top  flr.  of  the 
Jackson  bldg.  Him  and  Grace  has  been  figureing  out 
plans  for  the  house  all  yest.  &  today  &  I  am  going 
down  to  the  bank  as  soon  as  they  get  there  plans  all 
fixed  up  &  the  contrack  let  &  fix  up  a  bout  the  lone  & 
they  wont  be  no  trouble  a  bout  it  now  because  I  got  the 
rec.  in  full  for  the  lot  &  dont  owe  nothing.  The  archa 
teck  says  he  will  have  the  plans  drawed  up  in  a  day  or 
2  &  the  contrack  let  before  the  end  of  the  wk.  &  he 
says  it  should  ought  to  be  easy  to  get  a  contrackter 
cheap  now  because  its  the  dull  season  &  if  the  work  is 
huryed  a  long  they  can  get  the  foundashun  in  before 
real  cold  weather  &  the  house  finnished  by  the  middle 
of  march  &  our  lease  is  till  the  1  of  May  but  may  be 
I  can  get  rid  of  it  the  1  of  march  by  sub  leaseing  it  to 
some  body  else. 

Well  Charley  we  wont  be  able  to  do  no  high  flying 
for  the  next  couple  yrs.  because  we  got  to  keep  on  put- 
ing  a  way  $30.  per  wk.  &  if  we  can  do  that  we  should 
ought  to  have  the  hole  thing  payed  for  archateck  & 
all  in  less  then  lyr.  &  %  int.  incluseive  &  I  figure  the 
hole  thing  includeing  the  lot  will  amt.  to  a  bout  $3700 
&  thats  a  lot  of  money  but  look  what  wear  geting  a 
nice  home  of  our  own  where  decent  people  lives  &  a  big 
yd.  where  we  can  let  the  kids  run  a  round  &  may  be 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  9 

raise  chickens  &  have  a  garden.  I  guess  thats  better 
than  paying  $25  per  mo.  rent  &  being  cooped  up  in  a 
4  room  flat  eh  Charley. 
Kindest  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Chicago,  Nov.  15 — 

Dear  Charley.  Charley  wear  going  to  have  some 
house.  The  plans  is  drawed  &  the  contrack  let  &  there 
going  to  begin  building  tommorrow  that  is  brakeing 
ground  for  the  foundashun  if  I  can  get  things  fixed 
up  down  to  the  bank  this  p  m.  Ive  gave  the  archateck 
$25  as  1st  payment  for  his  work  &  I  dont  half  to  give 
him  the  other  $75  till  30  days  after  the  house  is  done 
next  march. 

I  will  tell  you  a  bout  the  house  Charley  &  you  can 
see  how  swell  wear  going  to  be  fixed  up.  The  house  is 
going  to  have  7  rms.  3  down  stares  &  4  up  stares. 
Down  stares  they  will  be  the  parler  &  the  dining  rm.  & 
kichen  &  up  stares  a  rm.  for  I  &  Grace  &  a  rm.  for  the 
kids  &  a  rm.  where  you  &  Mary  can  sleep  when  you 
come  to  vissit  us  &  a  rm.  for  the  hired  girl  if  we  ever 
have  1 .  Then  of  corse  they  will  be  a  bath  rm.  The  house 
is  2  storys  besides  the  cellar  &  the  house  is  going  to 
be  wood  painted  green  &  a  frt.  &  back  porch.  It  will 
be  het  with  hot  water  from  the  boiler  down  cellar  &  be 
sides  we  will  have  a  fire  place  in  the  parlor.  They  will 
be  gas  &  electrick  Its.  &  all  moderate  conveenyenses. 


10  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

Its  going  to  be  set  bk.  50  ft.  off  the  st.  &  that  will  give 
us  a  big  lawn  beside  a  big  bk.  yd.  where  we  can  have 
chickens  &  a  garden. 

Its  all  in  the  contrack  &  the  contracker  cant  get  a 
way  from  it  because  if  he  does  he  wont  get  no  money 
&  the  $2000  includs  evry  thing  &  hes  got  to  be  all  done 
with  the  house  by  the  1  of  march  &  the  archateck  over 
looks  evry  thing  &  sees  that  all  the  work  is  o  k  so  I 
dont  half  to  do  no  worring  but  all  I  half  to  do  is  to 
pay  so  much  per  wk.  down  to  the  bank.  If  Id  knew 
how  easy  it  was  Id  of  build  a  house  long  a  go  but  I 
thot  a  man  should  ought  to  know  some  thing  a  bout 
building  him  self  before  he  tackeld  it  but  a  man  dont 
half  to  know  nothing  because  the  archateck  takes  it 
all  off  of  his  hands  &  does  all  the  worring  for  $100. 
Well  Charley  I  got  to  shave  &  go  down  to  the  bank. 
You  better  get  busy  &  get  in  to  the  game  Charley  & 
dont  stay  cooped  up  in  a  flat  all  your  life. 

Best  rgds.  to  Mary. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


Chicago,  Nov.  16 — 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  I  dont  see  how  it  is 
that  these  banks  ever  gos  broke  &  blows  up  &  they  take 
a  bout  as  many  chances  as  the  phone  Co.  that  makes 
you  put  in  your  nickle  before  you  get  a  hold  of  cent 
ral.  &  here  the  papers  keeps  after  us  for  not  hailing  in 
all  the  stick  up  men  they  is  on  the  sts.  &  dont  never, 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  11 

say  nothing  a  bout  hailing  in  these  here  banks  that  is 
the  worst  stick  ups  they  is.  I  went  down  to  the  bank 
yest.  p  m  &  seen  the  man  in  the  lone  dept.  &  showed 
him  the  lot  was  all  payed  for  &  I  had  the  plans  all 
fixed  up  for  the  house  &  he  says  how  much  is  the  house 
going  to  cost  &  I  told  him  $2000  &  then  he  stalled  a 
round  for  %  a  hour  &  come  back  &  asked  me  how 
much  did  I  want  to  borry  &  I  says  $2000  &  he  says 
well  we  will  lone  you  $2000  but  not  no  more  then  that 
&  I  says  who  asked  you  to  lone  more  then  that  &  then 
he  says  let  me  see  your  contrack  with  the  contrackter 
&  I  showed  it  to  him  &  he  says  the  only  way  we  do 
busness  is  to  have  enough  money  to  pay  for  evry  thing 
includeing  the  extras  &  the  archateck  &  all  that  &  we 
do  the  paying  down  here  to  the  bank  &  you  dont  have 
nothing  to  do  with  it  but  we  keep  the  money  and  pay 
it  out  on  the  orders  of  the  archateck.  I  says  all  right 
that's  all  right  with  me  &  I  wont  half  to  worry  a  bout 
it.  He  says  you  will  half  to  indors  the  archatecks 
orders  &  I  says  all  right. 

Then  he  got  a  pensil  &  a  peace  of  paper  &  says  how 
much  do  you  owe  the  archateck  &  I  told  him  &  then  he 
says  they  aint  nothing  in  the  contrack  a  bout  electrick 
light  fixtures  or  finnished  hard  ware  or  wall  paper  so 
I  called  up  the  archateck  &  he  says  no  they  dident 
never  includ  them  things  because  they  was  picked  out 
to  sute  our  tast  after  the  house  was  build.  So  I  come 
back  from  the  phone  &  told  the  man  we  would  pick 
them  things  out  after  words  &  pay  for  them  our  self 


12  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

&  he  says  o  no  you  wont  because  we  got  to  have  all  the 
money  here  to  cover  all  the  expences.  I  says  well  then 
add  it  up  what  you  think  it  will  be  &  I  will  borry  that 
much  more  but  he  says  no  $2000  is  all  we  can  lone 
you.  I  says  well  them  things  wont  come  for  a  long 
wile  &  mcen  time  they  can  be  building  the  house  &  long 
before  they  get  it  build  I  will  give  you  the  rest  of  the 
money  but  he  says  no  your  own  moneys  got  to  be 
payed  out  1  st.  &  ourn  after  words.  Sol  called  up  Grace 
&  told  her  a  bout  it  &  she  says  how  much  extra  will 
it  be  &  I  got  the  man  to  figure  it  up  &  he  says  the  total 
would  be  $305  besides  the  $2000  &  the  extra  $305  is 
$75  for  the  archateck  &  $70  for  hard  ware  &  $50  for 
wall  paper  &  $50  for  electrick  It.  fixtures  &  $30  for 
insurence  &  $30  more  for  the  banks  comishan  which  I 
got  to  pay  the  bank  for  there  trouble  when  Im  the  1 
thats  haveing  the  trouble.  The  insurence  is  for  5  yrs. 
&  if  the  house  burns  the  bank  gets  the  insurence  &  I 
dont  get  nothing  but  I  pay  for  the  insurence  &  then 
besides  all  that  they  will  be  $25  more  that  the  bank 
sokes  me  for  geting  an  other  garantee  polisy  for 
them  self  so  they  will  be  sure  the  title  is  o  k  &  I  all 
ready  payed  $25  to  find  out  the  same  thing  &  Im  satis- 
fide  but  I  got  to  pay  for  an  other  1  for  the  bank. 

Well  Charley  I  got  to  dig  up  $330  some  wheres  & 
I  dont  know  where  it  will  be  at  but  its  got  to  be 
some  wheres  or  they  wont  be  no  house  &  winters  geting 
closter  all  the  wile.  Dont  never  get  mixed  up  in  noth- 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  13 

ing  like  this  Charley.     If  it  wasent  to  late  Id  tell  the 
bank  to  go  to. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Chicago,  Nov.  20 — 

Brother  Charley.  Wear  started  at  last  &  Gracebor- 
ryed  the  extra  $330  off  of  her  old  man  &  Ive  gave  it 
to  the  bank  &  now  they  got  it  all  tho  there  suposed  to 
be  loneing  it  to  me  &  I  pay  the  int.  &  the  comishon  & 
all  that  &  dont  never  even  see  the  money  or  dont  know 
weather  they  is  any  or  not.  But  what  do  you  think 
Charley  the  bank  wont  even  let  me  pay  it  back  when  I 
get  it  but  I  got  to  wait  2  yrs.  &  %  &  pay  int.  all  that 
time  before  I  can  pay  it  all  up  even  if  I  should  pick 
up  a  million  dollars  on  the  st.  tomorrow  &  I  cant  pay 
so  much  per  wk.  but  I  got  to  pay  it  this  way.  6%  int. 
twict  a  yr.  besides  paying  back  on  the  prinsipal  evry 
yr.  for  5  yrs.  unless  I  want  to  pay  it  all  up  in  2  &  % 
yrs.  &  if  I  dont  it  will  be  $400  evry  yr.  for  5  yrs.  be 
sides  the  int. 

&  yet  the  papers  keeps  after  us  and  pans  the  life 
out  of  us  because  theys  1  or  2  stick  up  men  a  round 
town. 

I  had  to  bring  the  contrackter  to  the  bank  with  me 
&  him  &  the  man  in  the  bank  went  over  the  contrack  to 
gether  &  fixed  up  how  he  was  going  to  get  payed  & 
he  gets  a  little  at  a  time  &  the  sub  contrackter  hes 


14  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

hired  for  the  diffrent  parts  of  the  house  gets  there 
money  when  ever  the  contrackter  tells  the  archateck 
they  got  some  corneing  &  then  the  archateck  signs  a 
order  on  the  bank  &  I  in  dors  the  order  but  before  the 
archateck  signs  the  order  he  over  looks  the  work  &  sees 
that  its  o  k  so  I  dont  half  to  do  no  worring  a  bout  that. 
Well  theys  1  good  thing  Charley  I  wont  half  to  lay 
a  side  no  $30  per  wk.  but  will  only  half  to  lay  a  side 
a  bout  $45  per  mo.  provideing  I  dont  want  to  get  all 
cleaned  up  till  I  half  to  which  is  5  yrs.  from  now  but 
if  I  want  to  get  all  cleaned  up  as  soon  as  I  can  which 

is  %y2  jrs-  I  wili  half  to  lal  a  side  a  bout  $80  Per  mo< 
&  I  guess  thats  what  I  will  do.  We  dont  half  to  worry 
a  bout  the  $330  Grace  borryed  off  her  old  man  because 
he  sends  her  $100  evry  berth  day  &  he  wont  half  to 
send  her  nothing  for  3  yrs.  &  we  will  be  all  square. 

Fred  A,  Gross. 


Chicago,  Nov.  29 — 

Dear  Charley.  Well  Charley  they  started  work  on  the 
house  &  what  do  you  think  they  done  right  off  the 
real.  They  dug  the  foundashun  the  rong  way  of  the 
lot  &  now  they  got  to  do  it  all  over  again  but  it 
wont  cost  me  nothing  because  its  there  own  fault  & 
they  dug  the  foundashun  like  as  if  the  long  way 
of  the  house  was  going  to  run  the  way  the  st.  & 
it  dont  run  that  way  in  the  plans  &  they  got  to 
fill  in  part  of  what  they  dug  out  &  do  some  more 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  15 

diging  &  it  dont  matter  but  it  takes  time  &  if  they 
dont  hurry  up  &  get  the  f oundashun  layed  the  ground 
will  be  froze  stiff  &  they  cant  get  started  before  win 
ter.  I  told  Grace  to  let  them  go  a  head  &  build  the 
house  the  way  they  started  but  her  and  the  archateck 
give  me  the  laugh  &  so  there  going  to  have  it  did  over. 

It  snowed  a  little  this  a  m  but  the  archateck  says 
that  dont  make  no  diffrence  as  long  is  it  dont  freez 
hard  &  the  ground  gets  froze.  You  see  the  f  oundashun 
is  concreet  &  if  it  should  get  froze  it  might  maybe 
crack  some  time  &  brake  &  give  a  way  &  the  house 
might  may  be  fall  down  on  our  head. 

Well  Charley  I  guess  things  will  go  a  long  o  k  now 
&  Im  glad  wear  started  &  if  I  was  you  I  would  get  in 
to  the  game  because  liveing  in  a  house  is  the  only  way 
to  live  when  you  got  childern  &  I  guess  its  all  right  for 
the  bank  to  have  all  my  money  &  all  the  papers  a  bout 
the  house  &  lot  because  this  is  a  old  bank  &  no  chance 
of  blowing  up  but  it  seems  kind  a  funny  that  I  cant 
keep  the  papers  or  nothing  to  show  that  I  own  a  lot  or 
own  any  thing  but  liveing  in  a  house  is  the  only  thing 
when  you  got  childern  &  speaking  of  childern  how  is 
little  May  &  both  Ed  &  the  baby  is  geting  a  long  o  k. 

Kindest  rgds.  from  I  &  Grace. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


16  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

Chicago,  Dec.  23 — 

Brother  Charley.  This  is  to  wish  3^011  a  mary  xmas 
&  Charley  I  know  you  will  exxcus  I  &  Grace  from  not 
sending  nothing  to  you  &  Mary  this  yr.  but  this 
house  building  has  got  me  on  the  jump  &  I  cant  spend 
a  nickle  on  nothing  this  yr.  Grace  is  sending  little 
May  a  box  of  candy  that  she  made  her  self  &  next 
xmas  may  be  we  will  be  better  fixed  &  can  send  you 
some  thing  as  usul  but  you  can  see  where  wear  up 
against  it  this  yr.  &  cant  send  nothing  because  things 
cost  a  hole  lot  more  then  I  thot  or  I  wouldent  never 
of  started  to  build. 

The  latest  is  the  archateck  told  me  we  should  ought 
to  do  some  gradeing  on  the  lot  a  round  the  house  be 
cause  the  weather  was  so  good  &  then  we  wouldent 
have  to  do  no  gradeing  in  the  spring  but  could  get 
busy  right  a  way  &  fix  up  the  lawn  &  plant  the  grass 
seeds.  Well  I  told  Grace  a  bout  it  &  she  says  it  was  in 
the  contrack  that  the  contrackter  had  to  do  the  grade 
ing  with  the  dirt  that  was  dug  out  of  the  ground  where 
the  f  oundashun  is  at  &  I  told  the  archateck  a  bout  that 
&  he  says  on  acct  of  there  diging  the  foundashun  the 
rong  way  at  the  start  they  wasent  no  dirt  left  over 
because  they  had  to  fill  in  where  they  dug  out  and 
shouldent  of  dug  so  I  had  to  go  &  get  a  hold  of  a  man 
to  come  &  do  some  gradeing  a  round  the  house  &  he 
stuck  me  up  for  $60  but  thats  all  over  now  &  out  of 
the  way. 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  17 

Then  Grace  found  out  that  they  was  only  £  of  the 
rms.  up  stares  that  theys  a  place  for  closets  in  them 
&  I  says  2  closets  was  enough  but  she  says  no  they 
got  to  be  closets  in  all  4  of  the  rms.  up  stares  & 
I  asked  the  archateck  a  bout  it  &  he  says  it  was 
foolish,  but'  Grace  kicked  like  a  mule  &  the  archa 
teck  says  he  could  put  in  the  closets  but  it  would 


make  them  2  rms.  smaller.  I  asked  him  if  it  would 
cost  more  money  &  he  says  no  he  dident  think  so 
so  we  had  him  go  a  head  &  make  plans  for  2  more 
closets  &  yest.  he  come  &  told  me  it  would  cost  $50 
more  &  I  says  I  thot  you  told  me  it  wouldent  cost  noth 
ing  more  &  he  says  I  thot  so  my  self  but  I  was  miss 
taken.  So  what  could  a  man  do  but  pay  the  extra  $50 
only  I  aint  payed  it  yet  but  will  half  to. 


18  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

But  the  house  is  geting  a  long  fine  &  the  out  side  is 
most  all  up  &  they  are  in  a  hurry  to  get  the  roof  fin- 
nished  before  the  real  bad  snow  comes  &  as  soon  is  they 
get  the  roof  on  they  wont  care  if  the  weather  is  rotten 
or  o  k. 

Best  wishes  for  a  mary  xmas  to  you  &  Mary  &  little 
May  &  kind  rgds.  &  I  know  youll  see  how  it  is. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Chicago,  Jan.  21 — 

Dear  Charley.  They  got  me  all  most  drove  crazy  & 
if  any  body  ever  says  to  you  build  a  house  bust  them 
in  the  jaw.  The  archateck  keeps  ringing  me  up  on  the 
phone  all  the  wile  a  bout  5  times  a  day  &  asking  do  I 
want  this  or  that  &  what  do  I  know  a  bout  it  &  he  is 
getting  payed  for  doing  the  worring  but  in  sted  of 
him  doing  it  he  lays  it  all  off  on  to  me,  some  times  he 
wants  to  know  do  we  want  a  tin  or  ivory  bath  tub  &  its 
in  the  contrack  for  us  to  have  a  ivory  bath  tub  but 
when  I  tell  him  that  he  says  I  thot  you  might  of 
wanted  tin  because  ivorys  going  to  cost  more  money  & 
when  I  say  what  do  I  care  what  it  costs  because  all  I 
half  to  pay  is  what  the  contrack  calls  for  then  he  says 
the  price  of  ivorys  went  up  &  we  cant  put  it  in  for  the 
money  I  thot  we  could  so  I  &  Grace  argu  it  out  &  then 
tell  him  to  go  a  head  &  its  $25  or  $30  more  or  what 
ever  it  is. 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  19 

Then  he  keeps  wanting  me  to  tell  him  if  we  want 
this  or  that  &  how  do  I  know  what  is  it  we  want  when 
its  all  in  the  contrack  &  he  should  ought  to  know  with 
out  bothering  me.  &  besides  that  the  real  estate  man 
told  me  that  taxes  was  pretty  near  nothing  in  Allison 
but  I  got  notise  to  day  that  I  owe  $40  taxes  &  if  thats 
pretty  near  nothing  Im  glad  it  aint  no  big  amt. 

Then  an  other  thing  when  the  archateck  drawed  the 
plans  he  made  a  misstake  a  bout  putting  in  the  radia 
tors  for  the  hot  water  heat  &  he  aint  got  enough  of 
them  in  &  hes  going  to  put  in  2  extra  Is  and  he  aint 
told  me  yet  what  that  will  amt.  to  but  it  will  be  a 
plenty. 

Where  I  was  going  to  lay  a  side  $80  per  mo.  I  aint 
laying  nothing  a  side  &  they  dont  seem  to  be  no  chance 
of  ever  saveing  a  nickle  un  lest  we  dont  eat  nothing  & 
you  know  Charley  I  wasent  never  the  man  to  starv  my 
self  to  death.  I  told  the  man  down  to  the  bank  a  bout 
the  radiators  &  the  bath  tub  &  he  says  I  should  ought 
to  of  had  some  sort  of  writen  contrack  with  the  archa 
teck  so  he  couldent  keep  hanging  them  things  on  me 
all  the  wile  but  its  to  late  now  &  any  way  I  guess  they 
wont  be  no  more  trouble  tho  I  wisht  they  would  go  a 
head  &  not  worry  me  to  death  asking  them  questions. 

Rgds.  to  Mary. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


20  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

Chicago,  Feb.  2 — 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  Im  up  against  it  now 
right.  We  was  so  busy  down  to  the  station  &  a  round 
town  that  I  dident  get  out  to  Allison  for  2  wks.  &  I 
went  out  there  yest.  &  went  to  the  house  &  they  wasent 
no  body  working  &  I  seen  1  of  the  naybers  &  they 
says  they  hasent  been  no  body  working  for  a  wk.  tho 
the  weathers  been  grand  &  they  should  ought  to  be 
husling  on  the  job  to  get  it  finnished  before  the  1  of 
march. 

I  called  the  archateck  up  &  asked  him  what  was 
comeing  off  &  he  says  the  contrackter  couldent  do  no 
more  till  he  got  some  more  lumber  &  the  lumber  Co. 
wouldent  let  the  contrackter  have  no  more  because  it 
wouldent  trust  him  for  no  more  money  &  if  I  would 
garantee  the  money  all  right.  What  do  you  know  a 
bout  that  Charley  ? 

I  says  why  should  I  garantee  the  money  when  its  all 
down  to  the  bank  &  the  archateck  says  that  dident 
make  no  diffrence  to  the  lumber  Co.  because  the  con 
trackter  all  ready  got  all  the  lumber  that  was  called 
for  in  the  contrack  &  now  he  wanted  some  more  &  I 
says  what  for  &  he  says  the  contrackter  used  more 
lumber  then  the  archateck  thot  they  was  going  to  need. 
Well  I  says  I  wouldent  garantee  nothing  &  the  archa 
teck  says  he  wouldent  neither  if  he  was  me  but  if  we 
couldent  get  no  more  lumber  the  work  would  be  held 
up  till  we  did  get  some  so  there  you  are. 

I  talked  to  the  man  down  to  the  bank  &  he  says  the 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  21 

contrackter  wasent  no  good  &  dident  have  no  credit  & 
if  he  used  more  lumber  then  the  contrack  called  for  he 
should  ought  to  pay  for  it  him  self.  I  called  up  the 
contrackter  &  told  him  a  bout  it  &  he  says  he  was  sick 
of  the  job  any  way  &  I  could  go  jump  in  the  lake  be 
cause  he  wasent  going  to  do  no  job  where  he  was  loos 
ing  money. 

I  told  them  that  down  to  the  bank  &  the  man  says 


I  could  make  the  contrackter  fmnish  the  job  but  if  he 
couldent  get  no  credit  &  dident  want  to  finnish  the  job 
I  wouldent  have  no  house  for  a  yr.  or  just  as  long  as 
the  contrackter  felt  like.  I  says  no  because  it  says 
right  in  the  contrack  that  the  house  must  be  all  done 
by  the  1  of  march  &  the  man  at  the  bank  says  yes  but 
suppose  it  aint  done  then  what  will  you  do  a  bout  it. 
I  says  I  will  sue  the  contrackter  and  they  says  you 
couldent  get  a  nicklc  because  theys  no  penalty  in  the 
contrack  for  him  not  geting  threw  by  the  1  of  march 
&  even  if  they  was  you  couldent  get  nothing  out  of 


22  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

him  if  hes  broke  &  hes  probly  broke  or  else  they 
wouldent  be  no  trouble  a  bout  him  geting  credit. 

So  I  went  to  the  archateck  &  talked  it  over  with  him 
&  he  says  the  contracter  under  bid  on  the  contrack  & 
seen  he  couldn't  build  no  house  like  mine  for  no  $2000 
&  thats  why  he  wanted  to  quit  &  I  says  that  may  be 
so  but  what  do  I  care  if  he  looses  money  its  his  own 
fait  &  we  will  make  him  go  a  head  &  finnish  the  job. 

Then  the  archateck  says  yes  you  could  do  that  but 
you  couldent  make  him  finnish  it  in  no  spesifide  time 
&  he  might  be  10  yrs.  doing  it  so  the  best  thing  you 
can  do  now  is  let  me  get  a  boss  carpenter  to  finnish 
the  job  &  let  all  the  sub  contrackters  go  a  head  with 
there  part  &  the  carpenter  can  do  the  work  the  con- 
trackter  was  going  to  do  &  you  can  pay  him  by 
the  wk. 

I  says  how  much  more  will  that  cost.  He  says 
hardly  any  more  &  you  will  get  the  job  finnished 
quick  that  way  so  I  says  all  right  go  a  head  &  hire 
a  carpenter  so  hes  going  to  hire  a  carpenter  but  he 
says  they  aint  no  chance  in  the  world  of  getting  the 
house  build  by  the  1  of  march  &  may  be  not  till  the 
middle  of  march  &  I  &  Grace  all  ready  had  the  flat 
sub  letted  to  a  farnly  from  the  1  of  march  to  the  1 
of  May  &  they  was  going  to  keep  it  after  words  for 
them  self  so  now  I  &  Grace  will  half  to  stay  at  some 
hotel  or  some  wheres  from  the  1  of  march  till  the  house 
is  finnished  &  it  will  cost  us  some  more  money  besides 
storeing  our  furnitur  for  a  couple  wks. 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  23 

But  may  be  by  the  1  of  march  the  house  will  be  so 
as  we  can  stick  the  furnitur  in  it  but  I  dont  know  & 
they  got  me  worred  &  the  archateck  aint  worrying  at 
all  tho  thats  what  he  gets  payed  for.  I  give  him  $100 
to  worry  for  me  &  then  I  take  his  job  a  way  from  him. 
If  it  would  do  me  any  good  to  go  out  to  that  con- 
trackters  house  &  brake  his  jaw  I  would  do  it  but 
what  would  that  get  me.  Nothing. 

I  hope  the  archateck  can  get  a  hold  of  a  good  car 
penter  right  a  way  &  rush  the  job  threw  but  theys  no 
teling  how  long  it  will  be  &  I  lerned  all  ready  not  to 
look  for  no  good  luck. 

Kindest  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Chicago,  Feb.  24 — 

Dear  Charley.  What  do  you  supose  has  come  off 
now.  the  archateck  is  sick  &  cant  be  on  the  job  no 
more  &  left  the  work  to  his  cousin  &  how  do  I  know 
weather  the  cousin  knows  a  house  from  a  box  car  but 
what  can  I  do.  I  asked  the  cousin  what  was  the  mat 
ter  with  the  archateck  &  he  says  it  was  a  nervous 
brake  down  &  he  thot  he  got  sick  worring  a  bout  my 
house  because  evry  thing  had  went  rong.  I  says  he 
aint  did  no  more  worring  then  me  &  I  dont  even  get 
payed  for  worring. 

Well  the  cousin  is  worse  then  the  archateck  a  bout 
asking  questions  that  I  dont  know  nothing  a  bout 


24?  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

what  to  anser  &  if  asking  questions  made  the  archa- 
teck  sick  his  cousin  wont  live  a  wk. 

A  cording  to  the  contrack  the  house  should  ought 
to  be  finished  a  wk.  from  now  but  it  aint  no  further 
a  long  then  it  was  in  januery  as  far  is  I  can  see  & 
this  here  boss  carpenter  they  got  working  wouldent 
never  be  pinched  for  speed.  I  was  out  there  today  & 
asked  him  how  much  longer  he  would  be  working  &  he 
says  I  cant  go  very  fast  now  because  Im  waiting  for 
them  to  bring  the  mill  work.  So  I  got  to  call  up  the 
mill  work  people  to-morrow.  The  longer  they  dont  de 
liver  the  mill  work  the  longer  it  will  take  them  to  be 
threw  with  the  house  &  Im  paying  this  here  carpenter 
by  the  day  and  besides  that  we  got  to  go  &  bord  some 
wheres  after  the  1  of  march  because  the  real  estate 
people  took  the  flat  off  of  our  hands  when  we  told 
them  we  wanted  to  get  a  way  the  1  of  march  &  they  all 
ready  sined  up  with  them  people  that  we  had  the  flat 
sub  letted  to  &  we  will  half  to  move  out  on  or  before 
next  tues.  Where  wear  going  to  I  dont  know  &  I  guess 
we  might  as  well  burn  up  the  furnitur  &  go  &  throw 
our  self  in  the  lake. 

Your  lucky  Charley  that  you  aint  in  no  jam  like 
this  &  if  any  body  ever  pulls  this  home  stuff  on  you 
bust  them  in  the  jaw. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  25 

Chicago,  Feb.  27 — 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  we  finely  got  the  mill 
work  people  a  couple  of  swedes  to  bring  there  stuff 
a  round  but  before  they  brung  it  I  &  they  was  down 
to  the  bank  4  times  argueing  &  they  was  scared  they 
wasent  going  to  get  there  money  because  they  had 
sined  a  contrack  with  the  contrackter  that  blowecl  up 
on  me  &  thot  because  they  dident  have  no  contrack 


with  me  I  was  going  to  beat  them  out  of  there  stuff. 

The  man  at  the  bank  kept  telling  them  that  the 
money  was  right  there  for  them  when  they  got  there 
work  delivered  but  that  dident  do  no  good  &  the  swede 
that  was  down  there  with  me  called  the  bank  a  lire 
&  me  a  lire  &  a  crook  &,  I  called  him  some  things  to 
only  I  couldent  call  him  as  bad  as  he  is. 

Well  if  it  wasent  for  haveing  the  job  held  up  I  would 
of  told  him  &  his  mill  work  to  go  to  h-ell  but  what 


26  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

could  I  do  because  it  would  take  3  wks.  to  get  the  work 
did  some  wheres  else  &  all  that  time  we  would  be  pay 
ing  bord  &  paying  the  carpenter  to  &  not  getting  no 
where.  So  finely  I  had  to  sine  a  paper  garanteeing 
that  the  swede  would  get  the  money  that  the  bank 
all  ready  had  for  him  &  that  was  all  he  wanted  was 
my  garantee  tho  I  couldent  of  got  the  money  myself 
with  a  stick  of  dinamite.  He  promused  to  deliver  the 
mill  work  today  but  I  wouldent  give  a  nickle  a  thou 
sand  for  his  promuses. 

Well  we  got  a  place  to  bord  &  a  place  to  store  the 
furnitur  &  its  going  to  cost  us  $12  a  wk.  for  our 
board  &  $6  to  store  the  furnitur  besides  geting  it 
moved  which  will  cost  $30  from  the  flat  to  the  store 
house  &  $10  more  from  there  to  the  house  if  the  house 
is  ever  ready  for  it. 

Thats  a  bout  all  the  news  I  got  for  you  this  time  & 
I  wisht  I  had  some  good  news  but  I  guess  Im  lucky 
to  be  a  live. 

Rgds.  to  Mary.  Fred  A>  Grosg> 


Chicago,  March  29 — 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  we  been  held  up 
again  &  this  time  it  was  the  electrick  It.  fixtures  & 
Grace  picked  them  out  &  they  cost  $100  in  sted  of  the 
$50  we  stuck  in  the  bank  to  pay  for  them  so  the  extra 
$50  comes  out  of  my  pocket  &  besides  that  the  archa- 
tecks  cousin  says  the  contrack  only  calls  for  2  cotes 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  27 

of  paint  on  the  out  side  of  the  house  where  they 
should  ought  to  be  3  &  he  can  get  an  other  cote  put 
on  for  $30  which  is  pretty  nice  of  him.  &  besides  all 
that  Im  paying  the  carpenter  now  evry  wk.  for  5  wks. 
&  all  he  gets  per  day  is  $5  so  thats  a  bout  $150  extra 
but  if  theys  something  left  in  the  bank  when  they 
get  all  threw  I  will  get  it  back  or  can  leave  it  to  apply 
on  int. 

The  archateck  is  still  sick  yet  &  I  havnt  saw  his 
cousin  the  last  couple  wks.  but  I  guess  the  carpenters 
doing  things  o  k  &  as  far  as  I  can  see  a  archateck 
might  as  well  stay  sick  all  the  wile  for  all  the  good  he 
is  accept  drawing  pitchers  of  the  new  house  before 
its  build. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


Chicago,  April  13 — 

Dear  Charley.  The  house  is  pretty  near  finnished 
Charley  &  it  looks  fine  &  worth  all  the  trouble  &  Grace 
come  out  with  me  to  see  it  yest.  &  is  plum  nuts  over 
it  so  evry  things  o  k  but  my  troubles  isent  over  yet 
&  heres  the  lattest.  The  village  of  Allison  has  ordered 
us  to  put  in  a  new  cement  sidewalk  &  we  got  to  have 
a  side  walk  up  in  to  the  yard  up  to  the  house  as  well 
as  a  long  the  st.  &  its  going  to  cost  a  even  $100. 

Well  thats  pretty  bad  but  that  aint  nothing.  I  asked 
a  man  a  bout  soing  grass  seeds  &  fixing  up  the  yard  & 
he  says  it  must  got  to  be  graded  1st.  I  says  what  do 


28  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

you  mean  graded  &  lie  says  its  all  ups  &  downs  & 
the  ground  a  round  the  house  is  lower  all  ready  then 
the  ground  out  by  the  st.  I  says  it  was  in  my  contrack 
for  the  contrackter  to  grade  the  lot  but  he  dident  do 
it  so  I  got  an  other  man  to  grade  it  for  $60.  He  says 
well  then  you  got  stung  for  $60  because  they  hasent 
been  no  gradeing  did  that  I  can  see.  I  argude  with 
him  a  bout  it  but  he  says  he  wouldent  so  no  grass  seeds 
or  have  anything  to  do  with  it  un  lest  it  was  graded 
&  he  said  he  would  grade  it  &  put  black  dirt  on  it  so 
as  the  grass  would  grow  &  all  so  put  in  a  drive  way 
of  cement  &  gravvle  all  for  $150. 

Well  Charley  they  wasent  nothing  for  me  to  do  but 
hire  him  &  did  you  ever  here  any  thing  like  it. 

The  gas  has  been  ran  in  to  the  house  from  the  st. 
&  the  stove  should  ought  to  be  there  any  day  now  & 
the  house  is  all  wirde  for  electrick  Its.  &  all  that  part 
of  it  is  o  k  &  the  only  thing  there  doing  now  is  fixing 
up  the  flors  with  pollish  &  when  thats  did  theyll  be  all 
threw  but  it  takes  time  to  do  that  &  I  wisht  it  was 
all  over  because  wear  sick  of  hording  to  say  nothing 
of  paying  for  the  bord  &  paying  the  carpenter  all 
the  time.  &  I  still  got  the  furnished  hard  ware  to  pay 
for  &  thats  $70  &  when  the  1  of  July  comes  theyll  be 
$60  int.  to  pay  so  you  see  I  got  some  thing  to  worry 
me  Charley  &  I  bet  John  E.  rockefellow  would  be 
worring  to  if  he  was  me. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE  29 

P.  S.  I  put  $70  in  the  bank  to  pay  for  the  fmnished 
hard  ware  all  ready  but  some  way  the  archatecks 
cousin  got  balled  up  &  give  some  body  some  thing 
they  dident  have  coming  &  the  man  at  the  bank  ref- 
fused  to  pay  the  order  for  the  finnished  hard  ware 
&  I  went  down  to  see  why  not  &  he  says  all  the  money 
was  drawed  out  all  ready  &  they  wasent  nothing  left. 
I  dont  under  stand  it  but  I  quit  trying  to  under  stand 
a  bout  this  here  house. 

Allison,  111.,  May  6— 

Brother  Charley.  I  bet  you  wont  never  believe  it 
but  wear  in  our  house  &  we  been  here  2  hole  days. 
The  furniturs  here  &  the  movers  busted  it  all  to  peaces 
but  we  dont  mind  a  little  thing  like  that.  Grace  is 
tickled  to  death  &  as  long  as  shes  plesed  its  all  o  k 
but  I  got  so  much  to  do  I  aint  got  much  time  to  write. 
I  called  up  the  archateck  today  to  see  would  he 
come  out  &  see  if  things  looked  o  k  to  him  but  he 
was  still  sick  yet  but  the  cousin  come  out  &  we  was 
haveing  supper  &  he  set  down  with  us  tho  we  dident 
have  nothing  to  eat  because  the  gas  stove  aint  come 
yet  &  even  if  it  come  it  wouldent  do  no  good  because 
the  gas  aint  conected.  Well  the  archatecks  cousin  says 
the  house  looks  o  k  to  him  accept  that  theys  a  few 
things  the  matter  &  should  ought  to  be  fixed  up.  He 
says  you  got  a  mitey  nice  place  here  for  $2000  be 
sides  what  you  payed  for  the  lot.  I  says  where  do 


30  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

you  get  that  stuff  $2000  besides  what  we  payed  for 
the  lot.  We  payed  $1500  for  the  lot  besides  int.  & 
I  dont  know  how  much  more  then  $2000  the  house 
is  going  to  cost  us  but  I  bet  its  closter  to  $3000  & 
then  I  &  him  set  down  &  figured  it  up.  They  aint  no 
chance  now  for  getting  the  bank  payed  up  before  the 

5  yrs.  is  up  so  1st  theys  $2000  &  then  theys  $320 
int.  on  the  $2000.    Then  theys  $25  for  the  garantee 
polisy  that  I  payed  when  I  got  the  lot  &  $25  for  an 
other  1  when  I  got  the  money  at  the  bank.     And  I 
payed  for  the  finnished  hard  ware  twict  &  thats  $70 
each  time  or  $140.     Then  I  give  the  bank  $30  for 
insurcnce  &  $30  for  comishon  &  I  give  them  $75  for 
my  bal.  on  what  I  owed  the  archateck  &  the  $25  I  give 
him  to  start  with  &  $50  for  the  wall  paper.     That 
money  I  give  them  for  the  archateck  &  the  wall  paper 
was  payed  out  some  wheres  else  so  I  pay  that  twict  & 
$60  for  gradeing  but  that  gradeing  dident  take  so  I 
payed  $150  more  for  the  same  job  the  2d.  time  &  $50 
for  2  extra  closets  in  the  house  &  $300  for  the  carpen 
ter  that  done  the  work  when  the  contrackter  quit  on 
me  &  $100  for  cement  walk  &  its  all  cracked  all  ready 

6  $46  for  moveing  &  storeing  the  furnitur  &  its  all 
busted  to  peaces  &  $50  extra  for  electrick  It.  fixtures 
because  Grace  seen  some  she  liked  &  of  corse  they  was 
the  most  expensiv  &  $30  for  a  extra  cote  of  paint 
that  I  dont  know  weather  we  needed  it  or  not  &  I 
dont  know  weather  it  was  ever  put  on  &  $96  for  our 
bord  bill  where  we  stayed  at. 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE 


31 


Well  we  figured  that  all  up  &  it  amts.  to  $1600  & 
that  dont  include  the  $2000  or  the  $1500  for  the  lot 
so  what  was  suposed  to  cost  me  a  bout  $3600  or 
$3700  is  going  to  cost  me  $5300  &  I  aint  got  a  cent 
in  the  world  &  theys  int.  do  the  1  of  July  &  besides 
that  we  got  to  buy  cole  to  heat  the  water  for  the  bath 
tub  &  wash  basens  because  they  was  suposed  to  put 
in  a  gas  heater  but  they  made  a  miss  take  &  put  in  a 
cole  heater  &  the  archatecks  cousin  is  sorry  they  made 


the  miss  take  but  says  we  can  get  it  changed  to  a 
gas  heater  for  a  bout  $125. 

After  hed  went  I  looked  a  round  &  I  just  got  threw 
looking  &  I  found  out  that  all  as  is  the  matter  with 
the  house  is  that  the  doors  thats  shut  dont  open  & 
the  doors  thats  open  dont  shut  &  you  cant  lock  none 
of  them  &  you  cant  open  none  of  the  windows  which 
is  all  o  k  now  because  it  aint  hot  yet  &  we  aint  got 


33  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

no  screens  tho  we  ordered  them  1  mo.  a  go  &  theyll 
cost  $50  more  &  theys  no  room  in  the  kichen  for  a 
stove  or  a  table  &  the  roof  of  the  house  leeks  &  we 
aint  got  no  electrick  lamps  that  we  ordered  when  the 
fixtures  was  put  in  &  we  will  half  to  go  to  bed  when 
it  gets  dark  nights  un  lest  we  want  to  run  a  round 
with  candles  like  I  been  doing  &  the  cellers  full  of 
water  &  besides  that  the  sewer  backs  up  in  to  the  cellar 
from  the  st. 

But  the  kids  seems  to  be  havein'  a  h-ell  of  a  time 
espeshaly  little  Ed.  &  Grace  is  running  a  round  like 
a  chicken  with  there  head  off  &  tickled  to  death  so 
what  kick  have  I  got  comeing  even  if  I  owe  more 
*noney  then  I'll  ever  see  &  my  hares  turned  gray  & 
the  papers  is  paning  the  life  out  of  the  dept.  because 
theys  1  or  2  stick  up  men  a  round  town. 

Tommorrow  I  got  to  buy  some  cole  to  run  the  heater 
&  coles  only  $8  a  ton  out  here  &  I  got  to  buy  a 
refidjerater  because  we  was  suposed  to  have  1  build  in 
but  they  left  it  out  while  the  archateck  was  sick  & 
I  got  to  get  a  plumer  to  take  the  water  out  of  the 
celler  &  see  weather  he  cant  coax  the  sewer  to  stay 
out  doors.  I  dont  know  where  theyll  put  the  gas 
stove  if  they  bring  it  &  if  we  was  to  put  both  the 
gas  stove  &  the  kitchen  table  in  the  kitchen  Grace 
would  half  to  cut  her  self  in  2  to  get  in  &  cook  the 
meals  or  wash  the  dishs.  Well  Charley  Im  going  to 
bed  &  its  10  to  1  the  bed  will  brake  down  but  if  it 


IT'S  THE  ONLY  LIFE 


33 


does  111  lay  right  there  on  the  floor  &  not  never  know 
the  diffrence. 

Rgds.  to  Mary.  Fred  A.  Gross. 

Allison,  111.,  June  25 — 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  we  been  liveing  hi 
the  house  a  bout  6  wks.  now  &  the  gas  stoves  been  here; 
4  days  &  I  dont  know  how  they  remembered  to  bring 
it  &  we  finely  managed  to  get  2  of  the  windows  open 


&  its  been  frightful  hot  but  we  dont  dare  keep  them 
open  very  long  to  a  time  because  the  screens  isent 
here  yet.  We  got  the  stove  &  the  table  both  in  the 
kichen  &  they  aint  no  danger  of  me  going  in  the 
kichen  &  bothering  Grace  because  if  I  went  in  there 
it  would  take  this  here  Houdini  to  get  me  out. 

Well  Charley  the  archateck  finely  got  all  o  k  again 


34  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

and  come  out  to  see  us  &  what  do  you  think  he  pulled 
on  me.  He  says  my  cousin  was  telling  me  that  your 
place  cost  $1600  more  than  you  figured  &  I  says  yes 
it  did.  So  just  as  he  was  going  he  left  me  a  bill  for 
$80  &  he  says  he  was  suposed  to  get  5%  of  the  cost 
of  the  house  &  if  they  was  $1600  extras  he  should 
ought  to  have  $80  more.  Do  you  know  what  I  says 
to  him.  I  says  wait  a  minut  you  got  it  figured  rong. 
I  bought  a  lawn  more  today  to  cut  the  grass  when 
it  comes  up  &  it  cost  me  $8  so  I  think  you  should 
ought  to  add  on  40  cents.  Then  I  shut  the  door  as 
clost  as  it  will  shut  &  he  beat  it  &  stopped  out  side 
to  take  some  pitchers  of  the  house  &  I  supose  he  will 
try  to  soke  me  5%  of  what  it  cost  to  get  them  pitchers 
developped. 

Well  Charley  next  wk.  I  got  to  pay  the  1st.  int.  on 
the  lone  down  to  the  bank  &  I  dont  know  where  the 
moneys  comeing  from  &  I  says  some  thing  a  bout  it 
to  Grace  &  she  says  she  would  write  &  ask  her  old 
man.  Hes  a  good  old  scout  Charley  &  I  bet  he  will 
come  acrost  but  I  hate  to  be  touching  him  all  the  wile. 
But  theys  1  thing  sure  he  wont  never  half  to  give 
Grace  no  more  berth  day  pressents  not  even  if  he  lives 
20  yrs.  more. 

The  Walters  was  out  to  sec  us  today  &  there  tickled 
to  death  with  the  house  &  they  got  the  building  bug 
now.  Well  Charley  after  alls  said  &  did  its  the  only 
life  when  you  got  children  &  if  I  was  you  Id  get  busy 
&  get  in  to  the  game. 

Kindest  to  Mary.  Fred  A.  Gross. 


CHAPTER  H 


.WELCOME    TO    OUR    CITY 


Allison,  111.,  July  8. 
Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley 
evry  things  going  a  long  smoth  & 
last  wk.  I  payed  the  1st.  int.  on  my 
lone  down  to  the  bank  and  now  I 
dont  half  to  worry  a  bout  that 
again  untill  Jan.  Graces  old  man 
come  acrost  with  the  money  so  as 
I  could  pay  the  int.  &  dident  make 
no  holler  a  bout  it  but  I  bet  he 
wishes  I  &  Grace  had  of  stuck  in 
our  flat  over  on  the  s.  side  insted  of  building  because 
we  was  not  never  so  hard  up  when  we  was  liveing  in 
the  flat  that  we  had  to  ask  him  to  pay  our  rent. 

I  dont  like  to  be  no  drag  on  the  old  man  but  you 
can  see  how  it  is  Charley  or  that  is  you  could  see  if 
you  had  build  a  house.  It  looks  like  you  dont  run  up 
agin  the  real  expences  until  youve  got  it  all  build. 
I  allways  thot  it  was  real  old  houses  that  half  to  be 
reparcd  &  fixed  up  all  the  wile  but  Im  finding  out  now 
that  the  new  ones  is  twict  as  bad  as  the  old  ones. 


36  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

But  dont  think  we  aint  satisfide  Charley  because 
wrear  perfectly  satisfide  so  dont  get  the  idear  we  aint 
satisfide  &  you  couldent  higher  Grace  &  I  to  go  back 
in  town  &  live  in  a  flat  because  they  aint  nothing  to 
that  kind  of  liveing  &  this  has  got  it  beat  all  hollo. 
The  babys  is  a  hole  lot  better  than  they  was  in  the  city. 


That  is  they  would  be  if  the  house  wasent  damp  &  if 
it  wasent  for  the  smell  of  the  paint  that  I  guess  we  aint 
never  going  to  get  rid  of  it.  But  they  aint  all  cooped 
up  like  they  was  in  Chi  &  now  they  can  get  out  &  run 
a  round  with  out  no  danger  of  falling  under  a  st.  car 
&  geting  there  leg  cut  off.  By  a  st.  car. 

Of  corse  we  miss  the  Walters  &  the  Arnolds  &  others 
that  we  made  frends  of  them  in  the  city  a  speshally 
Grace  but  as  I  say  if  they  cared  any  thing  a  bout  us 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY  37 

they  could  get  out  here  &  see  us  because  they  know 
Grace  cant  get  a  way  on  acct.  the  babys  &  besides  this 
towns  got  plenty  of  fine  peopl  liveing  in  this  town  & 
as  soon  is  we  get  acquainted  we  can  for  get  all  a  bout 
the  peopl  we  knowed  in  Chi  &  not  never  think  a  bout 

them. 

I  guess  the  last  time  I  wrote  to  you  we  wasent  no 
wheres  near  setteled  but  wear  pretty  well  setteled  now 
&  things  a  round  the  house  is  beginning  to  look  0.  K. 
&  you  can  open  most  of  the  windows  if  you  start  them 
with  a  crow  bar  &  then  give  a  quick  jerk. 

Kindest  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Allison  111.,  July  24. 

Dear  Charley.  I  supose  you  been  geting  a  hole 
lot  of  rain  to  because  I  see  in  the  paper  where  its  been 
raining  all  over  the  u  s  &  if  it  rains  any  more  I  will 
half  to  buy  1  of  these  here  divvers  sutes  to  go  down  in 
the  basemunt  with  it  &  fix  the  heater  that  we  heat  the 
hot  water  with.  A  bout  the  2d.  day  it  beggin  to  rain 
the  water  beggin  runing  in  the  basemunt  &  now  its 
pretty  near  as  deep  like  it  was  in  the  brandy  wine  crick 
where  I  &  you  lerned  to  swim  do  you  remember  Char 
ley.  I  called  up  the  plummer  &  he  come  up  &  seen  it  & 
says  the  drane  pipes  would  carry  it  off  &  I  had  to  give 
him  $.50  cents  for  telling  me  that  &  it  wasent  true 
at  that  because  they  aint  carryed  none  of  it  off  as  far 


38  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

is  I  can  see  &  if  a  plummer  gets  $.50  a  peace  for  evry 
time  he  lise  to  you  I  wonder  what  does  he  charge  when 
he  tells  a  man  the  truth  only  I  guess  that  dont  never 
hapen.  Well  any  way  you  could  dive  off  the  top  step 
of  the  stares  in  to  the  basemunt  &  not  bump  your  head 
on  the  floor  &  Grace  says  I  should  ought  to  dig  some 
angel  worms  out  in  the  yard  &  set  on  the  basernunt 
stares  &  fish  but  I  guess  all  the  fish  in  the  house  is 


liveing  up  stares.   I  mean  wear  the  fish  for  building  a 
house.    Suckers  see  Charley. 

An  other  good  thing  all  the  wood  that  was  left  over 
from  building  the  house  is  down  in  the  basemunt  & 
Grace  has  been  useing  it  up  pretty  fast  building  fires 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY  39 

in  the  fire  place  all  tho  its  been  so  hot  outdoors  &  in  the 
house  to  that  you  cant  hardly  stand  it  but  she  says  the 
fire  looks  so  pretty  that  she  would  like  to  keep  it  burn 
ing  all  the  wile  &  why  not  when  we  got  all  that  wood. 
Well  I  says  that  wood  will  burn  just  as  good  in  the 
winter  time  when  you  need  a  fire  in  the  fire  place  &  it 
will  look  just  as  pretty  burning  when  its  cold  &  the 
sooner  you  burn  up  all  that  extra  wood  the  sooner  we 
will  half  to  buy  some  reglar  wood  to  burn.  I  says  if 
your  going  to  throw  a  way  money  just  to  make  things 
look  pretty  why  dont  you  buy  a  car  lode  of  dimonds 
&  scatter  them  a  round  the  front  yard.  They  would 
look  swell  as  long  as  they  last. 

Well  she  says  the  fire  keeps  me  from  geting  lonesom. 
I  says  if  your  lonesom  why  dont  you  dress  the  babys 
up  &  go  out  and  see  some  body  &  she  says  I  airit  got 
no  close  to  ware  thats  good  enough  for  this  place  so 
my  little  talk  is  going  to  cost  me  $20.00  dollars  be 
cause  shes  going  to  buy  some  clothes  &  have  a  couple 
dresses  made  up.  But  as  I  say  we  can  save  on  fire 
wood  as  long  as  the  basemunts  full  of  water  because 
you  cant  get  to  where  the  wood  is  at  with  out  buying 
a  sale  boat  or  some  thing  &  even  if  you  got  the  wood 
it  wouldent  burn  on  acct.  it  being  soked. 

Regards  to  Mary  &  we  wisht  you  could  get  out  & 
see  us. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


40  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

Allison,  111.,  Aug.  13. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  it  looks  now  like 
we  was  going  to  bust  in  to  socitey  &  Grace  wont  be 
lonesom  no  more.  She  got  her  close  made  &  all  finnished 
up  2  days  a  go  all  ready  &  I  thot  shed  go  calling 
right  a  way  but  she  says  no  it  wouldent  be  right  to 
take  the  childern  a  long  the  1st.  time  she  intcrduced 
her  self  to  the  peopl  out  here  on  acct.  they  might  cut 
up  &  rase  the  devvil  &  may  be  brake  some  thing  in 
some  strangers  house  so  she  says  it  was  up  to  me  to 
stay  home  with  the  childern  wile  she  went  a  round  & 
made  a  few  calls  &  Im  going  to  stay  home  with  the 
babys  next  Sun.  after  noon  because  thats  the  1st.  day 
I  can  get  off  on  acct.  theys  2  other  fellows  in  the  dept. 
laying  off  now  &  the  rest  of  us  is  kept  pretty  busy. 
But  of  corse  me  not  being  able  to  go  a  long  with  her 
&  make  the  calls  Ive  got  to  get  some  cards  printed  so 
she  can  stick  them  on  the  piano  or  some  wheres  in  the 
house  where  shes  calling  at  so  it  looks  like  I  wanted  to 
come  but  couldent. 

Grace  says  she  dident  hardly  know  where  to  make 
the  calls  because  we  dont  know  where  no  body  lives 
that  is  we  dont  know  if  the  f amly  2  doors  a  way  from 
us  is  pres.  of  the  gas  co.  or  runs  a  hawk  shop.  But  I 
told  her  the  best  way  to  do  was  start  right  in  on  this 
side  of  the  st.  we  live  on  &  go  from  house  to  house  &  if 
she  seen  after  she  got  in  that  the  peopl  wasent  no  good 
she  could  say  she  made  a  miss  take.  The  name  of  the 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY  41 

peopl  that  lives  next  door  is  Hamilton  because  thats 
what  the  real  estate  man  told  us  when  we  got  the  lot  so 
you  see  we  know  his  name  &  when  Grace  gos  up  to  the 
door  &  says  is  Mr.  Hamilton  in  they  will  be  tickeld  to 
deth  on  acct.  of  us  knowing  there  name  &  wile  she  is 
calling  on  Mr.  Hamilton  she  can  feel  a  round  until  she 
knows  what  is  the  name  of  the  peopl  that  lives  on  the 
other  side  of  them  &  so  on. 

She  wont  stay  more  than  1  hour  or  so  in  1  place  the 
1st.  time  &  she  wont  be  able  to  cover  more  than  the  1st. 
3  houses  the  1st.  day,  but  probly  she  will  find  1  or  %  of 
the  ladies  thats  good  sports  &  will  be  willing  to  come 
over  &  stay  with  the  childern  a  day  or  2  next  wk.  so  as 
Grace  can  go  &  call  on  the  other  peopl  a  long  the  st. 
with  out  waiting  for  the  next  p.  M.  I  can  lay  off. 

The  Hamiltons  has  got  a  swell  big  house  build  out  of 
stones  or  concrete  blocks  &  they  probly  got  a  bbl.  of 
money  but  you  know  the  old  saying  Charley  all  men 
was  crated  free  and  wear  just  as  good  is  them  even  if 
we  got  all  my  pay  for  the  next  30  yrs.  spent  all  ready. 

Best  to  Mary. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.,  Aug.  16. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  Grace  wont  be  lone- 
som  no  more  because  now  she  called  on  4  famlys  a 
long  the  st.  to-day  insted  of  3  like  she  intend  it  &  of 
corse  the  more  you  call  on  the  more  of  them  has  got  to 


42  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

call  on  you  back.  The  reason  she  made  it  4  insted  of  3 
was  on  acct.  of  her  only  staying  to  the  Hamiltons  1/4 
of  a  hr.  because  they  says  they  was  going  out  some 
wheres  &  would  half  to  leave  her. 

We  had  a  early  dinner  &  she  got  over  to  the  Hamil 
tons  a  bout  1  in  the  P.  M.  &  she  was  togcd  up  in  her 
new  close  &  looked  like  a  million  $. 

She  told  me  all  a  bout  it  when  she  come  home.  A 
womman  come  to  the  door  &  Grace  says  how  do  you  do 
Mrs.  Hamilton  I  was  afrade  youd  be  out  &  the  wom 
man  says  who  did  you  want  to  see  &  Grace  says  you  or 
Mr.  Hamilton  or  the  both  of  them  &  the  womman  says 
I  will  see  are  they  in.  So  the  womman  says  what  name 
&  Grace  says  Grace  Gross  &  the  womman  says  have 
you  got  a  card  a  long  with  you  &  Grace  dident  have 
none  but  the  cards  I  had  printed  so  she  give  her  one  of 
them.  They  set  me  back  $.50  for  100  of  them  Charley 
but  I  thot  I  might  as  well  make  it  a  good  1  wile  I  was 
doing  it  &  besides  if  Grace  dont  loose  none  of  them  100 
should  ought  to  last  her  untill  shes  called  on  the  hole 
town.  The  cards  says  on  them  F.  A.  Gross  asst.  Chief 
of  Detectives  Chicago  Police  dept.  &  then  down  on  the 
bottom  20  years  in  the  service  in  red  tipe. 

The  higher  girl  left  Grace  standing  in  the  vestry 
bull  &  pretty  soon  a  man  come  out  &  he  was  Mr.  Ham 
ilton  &  he  ast  Grace  to  come  in  the  parler  &  set  down 
so  Grace  went  in  &  Mr.  Hamilton  says  what  can  I  do 
for  you  &  Grace  was  kind  of  im  barrist  &  couldent  say 
nothing  &  Mr.  Hamilton  says  aint  you  made  a  miss 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY 


43 


take  or  may  be  you  think  I  can  give  you  some  inform- 
ashun  a  bout  some  thing  &  Grace  seen  that  was  a  good 
chance  to  find  out  what  was  the  name  of  the  peopl  that 
lived  in  the  next  house  next  to  the  Hamiltons  so  she 
ast  him  &  he  says  there  name  is  Carpenter  &  she  says 
what  busness  was  they  in  &  Mr.  Hamilton  says  if  you 


want  to  find  out  any  thing  more  a  bout  them  you  will 
half  to  ask  them  your  self.  So  Grace  says  it  dident 
make  no  diff runts  weather  she  knowed  any  thing  more 
a  bout  them  or  not  &  then  she  says  hows  your  wife  & 
Mr.  Hamilton  says  what  are  you  trying  to  get  at.  He 
says  Im  sure  you  must  of  made  some  miss  take  because 
nether  I  or  Mrs.  Hamilton  have  did  any  thing  against 
the  law  or  the  Carpenters  nether  &  Grace  says  what  do 
you  mean  &  Mr.  Hamilton  says  what  do  you  mean 


44  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

yourself  comeing  a  round  trying  to  pry  in  to  some 
bodys  affares.  We  aint  use  to  receiving  calls  from  fe 
male  detectives.  &  then  all  of  a  sudden  Grace  caught 
on  to  what  was  he  getting  at. 

You  see  Charley  Mr.  Hamilton  thot  she  was  a  de 
tective  on  acct.  the  card  shed  give  the  higher  girl  &  he 
thot  it  was  her  card  &  not  my  card  &  when  Grace  seen 
what  had  come  off  she  pretty  near  died  laughing  &  all 
the  wile  Mr.  Hamilton  just  stood  there  &  looked  at  her 
&  finely  when  she  could  say  some  thing  she  says  thats 
a  grate  joke  &  Mr.  Hamilton  says  may  be  it  is  but  its 
over  my  head  &  then  Grace  explaned  it  to  him  the  hole 
thing  &  told  him  we  was  his  new  neighbors  &  she  was 
just  paying  him  a  frendily  call  so  pretty  soon  be  beg- 
gin  laughing  to  &  says  he  would  call  his  wife  because 
the  joke  was  too  good  to  keep.  His  wife  come  in  & 
Grace  ast  her  if  Mr.  Hamilton  had  told  her  a  bout  his 
miss  take  &  she  says  no  so  Grace  had  to  explane  it  all 
over  again  only  Mrs.  Hamilton  must  of  ett  to  much 
dinner.  She  didcnt  laugh  at  all  but  just  set  there  like 
she  was  in  pane  &  pretty  soon  she  says  she  was  sorry 
Grace  couldent  stay  any  longer  but  her  &  Mr.  Hamil 
ton  was  going  out  &  would  Grace  excuse  them  &  Grace 
says  sure  &  got  up  to  go  but  then  Mr.  Hamilton  come 
in  &  told  Grace  to  be  sure  and  hand  1  of  them  cards  to 
who  ever  come  to  the  door  over  to  Carpenters  so  Grace 
promussed  she  would  &  then  she  says  good-by  to  Mr. 
&  Mrs.  Hamilton  &  told  them  to  be  sure  &  come  over  & 
see  us  &  Mr.  Hamilton  says  he  certunly  would  weather 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY  4.5 

Mrs.  Hamilton  did  or  dident  &  he  was  just  kidding  a 
little  but  Mrs  Hamilton  must  of  got  jellus  a  bout  him 
&  Grace  j  oiling  each  other  because  she  slamed  the 
front  door  when  Grace  come  out.  Or  else  as  I  say  she 
ett  to  much  dinner  probly. 

So  then  Grace  went  to  the  Carpenters  &  rung  the 
door  bell  &  Mr.  Carpenter  him  self  come  to  the  door  & 
she  give  him  1  of  the  cards  &  he  says  well  whats  the 
charge  &  she  seen  he  was  makeing  the  same  miss  take 
Mr.  Hamilton  made  so  she  went  a  long  with  it  &  says 
she  would  like  to  talk  to  he  &  his  wife  a  few  minuts  & 
he  says  you  can  talk  to  me  but  I  cant  bother  my  wife 
because  she  aint  finnished  her  dinner  &  then  Grace  told 
him  to  go  a  head  and  finnish  his  dinner  to  but  he  says 
he  wouldent  untill  she  told  him  what  she  wanted  so 
she  explained  the  joke  &  told  him  what  come  off  over 
to  Hamiltons  &  then  he  laughed  &  says  he  would  fin 
nish  his  dinner  &  bring  his  wife  in  so  Grace  set  there  in 
the  parler  a  wile  &  finely  Mr.  &  Mrs.  Carpenter  come 
in  &  she  set  there  talking  to  them  pretty  near  a  hr. 

&  they  had  a  grate  time  talking  &  laughing  &  wile 
she  was  there  some  body  come  to  the  front  door  &  Mr. 
Carpenter  went  to  the  door  &  Grace  says  it  sounded 
like  Mr.  Hamiltons  voice  out  side  the  door  &  he  ast 
Mr.  Carpenter  was  he  arested  &  Mr.  Carpenter  went 
out  on  the  porch  &  Grace  couldent  hear  what  was  they 
saying  but  of  corse  they  was  come  pareing  nots  a  bout 
the  joke  because  she  herd  them  laughing  out  on  the 
porch.  Well  finely  Mr.  Carpenter  come  in  again  & 


46  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

finely  Mrs.  Carpenter  ast  Grace  dident  she  have  some 
more  calls  to  make  so  Grace  says  she  did  &  she  left  the 
Carpenters  &  forgot  to  find  out  from  them  what  was  the 
name  of  the  peopl  that  live  in  the  3d.  house  a  way 
from  us  but  it  dident  make  no  diffruns  because  the 
woman  that  come  to  the  door  at  the  next  house  told  her 
the  name  &  the  name  is  Carry  &  Mr.  Carrys  the  man 
that  keeps  the  grosery  store  or  1  of  them  &  Grace  & 
Mrs.  Carry  had  a  nice  long  talk  &  Grace  told  her  a 
bout  what  come  off  at  Hamiltons  &  Carpenters  &  Mrs. 
Carry  says  she  would  bet  Grace  that  they  wouldent 
nether  the  Hamiltons  or  the  Carpenters  call  on  us  & 
Grace  says  why  not  &  Mrs  Carry  says  because  they 
aint  nether  1  of  them  called  on  me  yet  &  I  have  been 
here  over  1  yr.  &  Grace  says  well  did  you  call  on  them 
&  Mrs.  Carry  says  of  corse  not  so  they  must  be  some 
bad  blood  some  wheres  that  we  dont  know  nothing  a 
bout. 

Well  Grace  went  to  Moreheads  from  Carrys  &  seen 
the  Moreheads  &  then  come  home  &  you  can  bet  I  was 
glad  when  she  finely  got  home  because  little  Ed  &  the 
baby  both  of  them  gets  pretty  mad  a  bout  5  p.  M.  in 
the  afternoon  &  they  was  giveing  me  all  I  could  do. 

&  Mrs.  Carry  says  next  time  Grace  wants  to  go  out 
she  can  bring  the  babys  over  to  her  house  &  the  higher 
girl  will  watch  them. 

Rgds.  to  Mary. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY*  47 

Allison,  111.,  Aug.  81. 

Dear  Charley.  Well  Charley  they  aint  nothing 
much  come  off  since  the  last  time  I  wrote  you  a  letter 
and  they  aint  nothing  much  to  write  a  bout  &  I  would- 
ent  be  writeing  only  I  was  figureing  on  takeing  a  bath 
to-night  and  I  cant  take  no  bath  so  Im  writeing  you 
a  letter  insted  and  why  I  cant  take  no  bath  is  because 
the  waters  shut  off  all  over  town  &  the  water  co.  says 
may  be  it  wont  be  turned  on  for  2  or  3  days. 

Of  corse  I  can  wash  my  hands  down  town  to  head 
quarters  but  Grace  or  the  kids  cant  wash  theres  unlest 
they  go  over  to  the  Carrys  where  they  got  a  sistern 
&  that  makes  it  pretty  tough  on  Grace  but  little  Ed  & 
the  baby  wont  make  no  holler  and  they  would  be 
tickled  to  deth  if  they  dident  never  half  to  be  washed. 

Any  way  they  all  ways  holler  like  they  was  being 
murdered  when  you  touch  them  with  soap  and  water. 
The  Hamiltons  has  a  sistern  to  &  I  ast  Grace  why  did 
ent  she  use  theres  on  acct.  it  being  next  door  to  us  & 
handy  but  Grace  is  kind  of  sore  on  Mrs.  Hamilton  for 
not  comeing  over  to  see  us.  She  will  come  over  all 
right  when  she  gets  up  her  nerve  &  I  wouldent  worry 
a  bout  it  if  I  was  Grace  but  you  know  how  wommen 
feels  &  probly  Marys  the  same  way. 

Grace  has  called  on  a  bout  15  or  20  famlys  now  & 
left  the  kids  over  to  the  Carrys  wile  she  was  makeing 
the  calls  &  her  and  Mrs.  Carry  is  pretty  good  frends 
&  Mr.  &  Mrs.  Carry  comes  over  off  en  in  the  evning  for 
a  game  of  cards. 


48  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

Im  thirsty  and  I  guess  its  a  good  thing  we  got  a 
couple  cases  of  beer  in  the  house  because  they  aint  no 
water  and  I  and  Grace  can  drink  the  beer  when  wear 
thirsty  &  the  kids  can  drink  milk  so  we  wont  starve  to 
deth  because  of  some  thing  to  drink  only  we  cant  take 
no  bath  in  beer  or  milk. 

The  man  from  the  water  co.  says  this  dont  happen 
offen  I  mean  the  pump  brakeing  down  &  he  says  I 
want  to  remember  that  Im  saveing  money  on  water 
bills  all  the  wile  they  aint  no  water. 

Regards  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.,  Sep.  14. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  Im  planing  a  big 
surprise  for  Grace  and  the  reason  Im  doing  it  is 
because  shes  been  feeling  so  bad  over  them  peopl  not 
comeing  to  see  her.  Im  going  to  have  the  Hamilton!  & 
the  Carpenters  over  here  to  dinner  Sun.  &  Grace  knows 
theys  going  to  be  Co.  but  she  thinks  Ive  ast  the  Wal 
ters  to  come  out  from  town.  I  had  to  tell  her  some 
body  was  comeing  so  as  she  would  be  sure  and  have 
enough  to  eat  so  I  told  her  the  Walters  was  comeing 
&  she  will  be  supprised  &  tickeled  to  deth  when  she  sees 
it  aint  the  Walters  but  the  Hamiltons  &  Carpenters. 

The  idear  come  to  me  when  I  was  down  town  yest.  & 
the  way  it  come  to  me  I  was  trying  to  figure  out  some 
way  to  cheer  Grace  up.  So  I  thot  of  this  idear  &  then 


WELCOME  TO  OtIR  CITY  49 

I  set  down  &  tride  to  write  a  letter  to  them  peopl  ask 
ing  them  to  come  &  it  took  me  so  long  to  write  the  1st. 
1  that  I  seen  I  wouldent  never  have  time  for  nothing 
else  if  I  wrote  2  of  them  so  I  ast  the  tipewriter  in  the 
chiefs  office  would  she  write  a  couple  of  letters  for  me. 
I  &  her  frammed  them  up  together.  In  the  letters  I 
says  my  wife  would  like  to  have  them  come  over  to  din 
ner  Sun.  noon  &  it  wasent  going  to  be  no  big  party  so 
they  could  ware  what  ever  they  had  &  not  feel  a 
shamed  &  we  wouldent  dress  up  much  our  self  so  they 
wouldent  need  to.  The  tipewriter  dident  only  half  to 
write  the  letter  onct  because  she  put  a  peace  of  this 
here  copy  paper  in  bet.  the  regular  paper  &  wrote  both 
the  letters  at  onct  only  changed  the  names  at  the  top. 

I  cant  hardly  wait  untill  Sun.  and  see  how  supprised 
&  tickeled  Grace  will  be. 

Rgds.  to  Mary.  Fred  A>  Grosg> 


Allison,  111.,  Sep.  18. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  Im  the  1  that  got 
the  supprise  and  not  Grace.  And  besides  a  sup- 
prise  I  got  a  bad  scare  to  because  Grace  carryed  on  so 
that  I  thot  she  was  going  to  be  took  down  sick.  What 
do  you  think  of  them  bums  Charley  I  mean  the  Hamil^ 
tons  &  Carpenters.  When  they  dident  pay  no  tension 
or  send  me  no  anser  to  the  letter  I  wrote  them  I  thot 
sure  they  must  be  comeing  because  if  they  wasent 
comeing  they  would  say  so.  Thats  what  I  thot.  But 


50 


OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 


a  long  come  Sun.  noon  &  no  sine  of  them  &  Grace  got 
fichety  &  says  what  do  you  supose  is  the  matter  with 
the  Walters  that  they  dont  come  &  I  stalled  her  off  and 
says  may  be  they  would  come  on  the  train  that  gets 
here  at  1  a  clock  &  she  says  my  dinner  will  all  be 
spoiled  &  finely  after  the  1  a  clock  train  come  &  no 
body  showed  up  I  had  to  tell  her  the  truth.  Grace 


scolded  me  like  Id  stole  some  money  or  some  thing  & 
when  I  says  I  would  run  over  to  there  house  &  see  what 
was  the  matter  she  says  if  I  moved  a  step  out  side  the 
house  she  would  take  the  2  childern  &  run  a  way  &  then 
she  had  histeriks  &  all  the  rest  of  it  &  she  says  even  if 
them  peopl  had  of  came  she  would  of  slamed  the  door 
in  there  face  &  I  dont  know  yet  what  she  was  sore  a 
bout  tho  of  corse  I  was  a  little  sore  myself  on  acct.  of 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY]  51 

them  peopl  not  leting  me  know  or  nothing.  But  Grace 
wasent  sore  at  them  but  she  was  sore  at  me  and  if  you 
can  tell  what  license  she  had  your  a  wonder. 

I  thot  for  a  minut  they  may  be  might  not  of  got  my 
letters  &  then  I  remembered  that  I  dident  male  the  let 
ters  but  stuck  them  under  there  doors  when  I  coma 
home  night  before  last  so  they  couldent  help  from  get* 
ting  them. 

Finely  I  couldent  stand  it  no  longer  &  beat  it  out  of 
the  house  &  took  a  long  walk.  She  was  better  when  I 
come  back  &  says  she  was  sorry  shed  carryed  on  so  & 
she  supposed  I  thot  I  was  trying  to  do  the  right  thing 
but  Id  made  a  awful  mes  out  of  it  &  I  says  could  I 
help  it  if  them  peopl  dident  have  no  manners  &  she 
says  no  it  wasent  my  fait  but  after  this  she  wisht  I 
would  leave  her  to  do  the  inviteing  to  the  house.  She 
dident  half  to  wish  that  Charley  because  Ive  had  more 
then  enough  for  my  share. 

The  Carrys  is  comeing  over  to-night  to  play  cinch 
&  may  be  we  can  get  rid  of  some  of  our  big  Sun.  din 
ner  thats  still  left  yet  because  they  dident  nether  1  of 
us  have  the  heart  to  eat  it. 

Regards  to  Mary.  F  A  Grogg> 

Allison,  111.,  Oct.  3. 

Dear  Charley.  Well  Charley  it  looks  like  we  was 
ent  dead  ones  after  all.  A  little  boy  come  to  the  house 
after  supper  to-night  &  give  me  a  letter  only  it  wasent 


58  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

no  letter  but  a  invatation  to  a  dance  here  in  Allison  the 
17  of  this  mo.  &  the  dance  is  being  gave  for  the  benifit 
of  the  Bellgiums  that  got  killed  in  the  war.  This  here 
invatation  was  addressed  to  the  Hamiltons  but  if  we 
get  theres  they  got  ourn  so  whats  the  diffrunts  £  be-, 
sides  you  can  bet  I  aint  going  over  to  there  house  to 
say  any  thing  a  bout  it  &  if  they  dont  want  ourn  they 
can  come  over  here  and  get  there  own. 

The  dance  is  going  to  be  down  to  the  opra  house 
where  they  give  there  shows  when  they  have  them. 
Well  I  guess  you  know  how  I  all  ways  been  a  bout 
danceing  Charley  &  never  cared  nothing  a  bout  it  &  I 
was  going  to  tell  Grace  of  corse  we  wouldent  go  but 
when  I  give  her  the  invatation  &  seen  how  good  she 
felt  a  bout  it  I  dident  have  the  heart  to  say  nothing  a 
bout  not  going.  I  throwed  the  out  side  cover  a  way 
before  I  give  Grace  the  invatation  and  she  says  are 
you  sure  its  for  us  &  I  says  dident  the  boy  bring  it  to 
us  &  besides  wont  our  money  do  them  Bellgiums  as 
much  good  as  any  body  elses.  Tho  where  the  BelK 
giums  needs  help  any  more  than  I  need  it  I  cant  figure 
out.  I  dident  tell  Grace  nothing  a  bout  the  invatation 
being  addressed  to  the  Hamiltons  for  fear  shed  want 
I  should  go  over  &  change  with  them. 

Well  I  says  do  you  want  me  to  go  and  she  says  cer- 
tunly  but  you  cant  dance  &  I  says  well  I  can  go  there 
and  set  around  &  talk  wile  you  dance  and  she  says  o  no 
she  wouldent  do  that  way  &  if  I  wouldent  dance  she 
wouldent  go  so  I  says  all  right  I  will  brush  up  & 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY  53 

practice  a  little  &  may  be  I  can  get  a  way  with  it  &  she 
says  you  cant  do  nothing  of  the  kind  because  the 
dances  there  dancing  now  isent  nothing  like  what  you 
use  to  dance  the  waits  &  the  &  step  and  them  things. 
They  aint  danceing  them  things  no  more  because  now 
there  all  danceing  the  1  step  walk  &  the  f  oxs  trot  and 
we  will  half  to  take  some  lessons  the  both  of  us. 

I  says  I  suppose  we  got  a  hole  lot  of  money  to  throw 
a  way  on  takeing  danceing  lessons  &  then  she  beggin 
to  cry  so  I  says  all  right  you  fix  it  up  with  some 
teacher  &  we  will  take  a  few  lessons  just  enough  so  as 
to  get  a  way  with  it. 

So  you  see  what  Im  up  against  now  Charley  &  I  got 
to  take  danceing  lessons  &  then  go  up  there  &  mix  a 
round  with  them  swell  dames  &  get  stepped  on  but 
Grace  will  have  the  time  of  her  life  &  I  aint  got  the 
heart  to  say  no.  The  dance  ticket  that  come  along 
with  the  invatation  costs  $2.00  dollars  &  probly  the 
lessons  will  cost  that  much  more  or  may  be  more  than 
that  so  Im  lucky  if  I  get  a  way  with  less  than  a  5  spot. 

I  supose  youve  lerned  the  new  dances  all  ready 
Charley  &  I  wisht  you  was  here  to  take  my  place. 

Regards  to  Mary. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


[Allison,  111.,  Oct.  8. 

Brother  Charley.     Dident  I  say  some  thing  a  bout 
a   5   spot   that   this   here   dance   busness   was   going 


54  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

to  cost  me  last  time  I  wrote  you  a  letter.  Well  Charley 
its  going  to  make  a  5  spot  look  like  30  cents  before  its 
over  &  I  wisht  Id  says  no  in  the  1st.  place  &  left 
Grace  bellow  if  she  wanted  to.  Weve  tooken  1  dance^ 
ing  lesson  all  ready  &  it  costed  $2.00  dollars  &  we  got 
to  take  an  other  at  the  same  price  because  we  aint 
lerned  enough  yet  &  I  got  to  buy  some  pattent  leather 
shoes  &  a  shirt  &  so  4th.  because  Grace  says  they 
wont  be  no  body  go  up  there  with  out  being  drest  up  in 
a  dress  sute  of  evning  close  &  she  laughed  at  me  when 
I  says  I  was  going  to  ware  the  uneform  I  use  to  ware 
before  I  was  put  in  plane  close  but  I  bet  if  I  wore  that 
uneform  I  wouldent  be  the  worst  looking  1  in  the  hall 
if  I  do  say  it  but  Grace  says  nothing  but  a  evning 
dress  sute  will  do  so  I  got  to  rent  1  of  them  besides 
buying  the  junk  that  gos  with  it  &  the  rent  of  the 
sute  a  lone  will  cost  me  $3.00. 

Well  Grace  was  wondring  what  would  she  do  a  bout 
the  childern  wile  we  was  to  the  dance  &  I  says  she 
should  ask  Mrs.  Carry  to  take  care  of  them  &  she  says 
the  Carrys  is  probly  going  to  so  shes  going  to  ask 
Mrs.  Carry  is  she  going  &  if  she  is  that  will  mean  we 
will  half  to  higher  a  girl  some  wheres  to  come  &  stay 
with  the  childern  wile  we  go  to  the  dance. 

Regards  to  Mary. 

Fred. 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY  55 

Allison,  111.,  Oct.  11. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  we  had  some 
more  trouble  since  the  last  time  I  wrote  you  a  letter 
only  I  dont  know  if  its  trouble  or  not  but  Grace  feels 
pretty  bad  a  bout  it  tho  I  says  she  shouldent  ought 
to  worry  because  the  Carrys  wasent  no  good  any  way. 
Grace  was  figureing  on  haveing  Mrs.  Carry  come  over 
&  stay  with  the  childern  wile  we  was  to  the  big  dance 
next  wk.  if  Mrs.  Carry  wasent  going  to  the  dance  her 
self  so  when  the  Carrys  come  to  play  cards  the  other 
night  Grace  ast  them  was  they  going  to  the  dance  & 
they  says  no  what  dance  &  Grace  told  them  &  ast  Mrs. 
Carry  would  she  come  over  &  take  care  of  the  childern 
or  that  is  she  &  Mr.  Carry  would  just  half  to  set  in  the 
house  because  the  childern  would  be  a  sleep  only  of 
corse  it  wouldent  be  right  to  go  off  &  leave  them  a  lone 
&  the  Carrys  could  just  set  here  &  play  cards  or  do 
any  thing  they  had  a  mind  to.  Well  Mrs.  Carry  ast  who 
was  giveing  the  dance  &  Grace  says  the  invatation  was 
sined  by  Wm.  Marston  &  he  was  the  man  that  the  money 
was  to  be  sent  to  only  Im  going  to  take  my  money 
a  long  to  the  dance  &  give  it  to  him  at  the  door.  Well 
Mrs.  Carry  says  why  Mr.  Marston  is  the  real  socitey 
leader  &  Grace  says  well  what  of  it  &  Mrs.  Carry  says 
it  must  of  been  a  miss  take  you  geting  a  invatation  & 
then  I  buted  in  &  says  what  do  you  mean  a  miss  take 
I  guess  wear  as  good  as  any  body  &  better  than  some 
&  why  shouldent  we  get  a  invatation  &  then  Mrs.  Car- 


56  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

ry  blowed  up  &  says  I  supose  you  think  your  better 
than  I  &  my  husband  &  I  says  no  I  dont  think  no 
such  thing  &  she  says  well  you  get  a  invatation  to  the 
dance  &  we  dident  so  if  you  go  that  will  show  you 
think  your  better  than  us. 

I  says  it  wont  show  no  such  a  thing  because  you  not 
geting  no  invatation  was  probly  a  miss  take  &  she  says 
no  it  wasent  no  miss  take  but  geting  1  was  the  miss 
take  &  then  Grace  flew  up  &  says  your  sore  because 


wear  going  to  the  dance  and  your  not  ast  &  then  Carry 
&  his  wife  &  Grace  &  I  all  lost  our  temper  &  we  had  it 
hot  &  heavy  &  I  guess  you  know  Charley  that  we  did 
ent  get  none  the  worst  of  it.  So  finely  I  told  them  to 
go  home  and  they  says  you  dont  half  to  tell  us  to  go 
home  &  whats  more  you  wont  see  no  more  of  us  &  I 
says  I  lived  45  yrs.  &  got  pretty  fat  before  I  ever  seen 
you  &  thats  a  bout  all  that  was  said  &  they  beat  it 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY  57 

and  wear  threw  with  them.  If  Mrs.  Carry  had  of  been 
decent  we  might  of  fixed  it  up  for  them  to  get  ast  to 
the  next  big  dance  only  she  was  so  sore  about  us  get- 
ing  a  head  of  them  that  she  couldent  keep  her  mouth 
shut. 

I  guess  you  can  see  that  Mrs.  Carry  aint  going  to 
take  care  of  the  childern  wile  wear  to  the  dance  &  even 
if  she  would  we  wouldent  let  her  because  its  10  to  1  she 
would  stick  a  knife  in  them  or  give  them  cloraform  or 
some  thing.  And  Grace  will  half  to  higher  a  girl  from 
here  in  town  to  come  &  set  in  the  house  wile  wear  to  the 
dance. 

Kindest  regards  to  your  self  &  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 

Allison,  111.,  Oct.  18. 

Dear  Charley.  Well  Charley  I  guess  its  pretty 
lucky  I  dident  murder  some  body  last  night  &  it  may 
be  a  good  thing  I  wasent  carrying  my  gat  with  me 
last  night  on  acct.  of  it  looking  funny  &  sticking  out 
threw  the  coat  in  my  evning  dress  sute.  I  bet  I  would 
of  shot  some  body  sure  &  they  would  of  had  a  detective 
up  for  murder  for  a  change  insted  of  for  takeing 
money  from  stick  up  guys  &  dips.  I  might  as  well 
tell  you  what  come  off  tho  they  aint  no  part  of  it  Im 
proud  of  accept  keeping  my  self  from  murdring  some 
body.  Grace  is  sick  a  bed  over  what  come  off  &  I  cant 
talk  to  her  a  bout  it  &  theys  no  use  talking  to  the  kids 


58  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

because  they  dont  under  stand  &  I  got  to  tell  it  to 
some  body  so  I  guess  your  elected. 

Well  Charley  we  was  figureing  on  getting  up  to  the 
dance  a  bout  8  a  clock  but  the  sute  I  rented  was  to 
small  for  me  &  Grace  had  to  make  the  pants  of  it  biger 
a  round  the  waste  &  then  she  had  trouble  her  self  get- 
ing  her  new  close  on  &  her  hare  all  fixed  up  &  evry 
thing  &  it  was  pretty  close  to  9  a  clock  before  we  got 
down  to  the  opra  house  where  they  have  the  dances  at. 
Well  we  went  in  &  a  servunt  told  us  where  to  put  our 
hat  &  then  we  went  up  stares  to  where  the  danceing  is 
pulled  off  &  they  was  a  man  seting  at  a  table  out  side 
the  door  &  he  looked  at  us  &  dident  say  nothing  so  I 
went  up  to  him  &  says  who  I  was  &  he  says  aint  you 
made  a  miss  take.  I  says  I  dont  know  if  I  have  or  not 
&  he  says  if  we  want  police  protection  a  round  here  we 
will  ask  for  it.  I  says  I  aint  here  to  work  but  Im  here 
to  dance  &  he  says  this  here  is  a  invatation  dance  &  I 
says  yes  &  I  got  a  invatation  &  he  says  lets  see  it  so  I 
hailed  the  ticket  out  of  my  pocket  &  showed  it  to  him 
&  he  says  it  must  of  been  some  miss  take  &  I  says  why 
&  he  says  because  I  sent  out  the  invatations  my  self 
I  and  a  lady  did  &  we  dident  send  none  to  you.  I  says 
well  I  got  1  dident  I  &  he  says  yes  but  I  dont  know 
how  you  got  it.  I  says  well  I  dident  steal  it  &  he  says 
no  I  dont  say  you  did  but  I  know  you  wasent  suposed 
to  get  no  invatation  because  you  wasent  on  our  lists. 
I  says  well  wear  here  any  way  &  he  says  yes  but  if  I 
was  you  I  would  go  a  long  home  before  any  body  else 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY 


59 


got  here  because  its  a  miss  take  &  we  will  say  no  more  a 
bout  it. 

Well  I  seen  that  Grace  was  ready  to  cry  on  acct.  of 
disapointmunt  so  I  made  up  my  mind  Id  go  threw  with 
it  so  I  says  are  you  the  only  1  thats  got  any  thing  to 
say  a  round  here  &  he  says  no  but  Im  1  of  them  &  I 
says  well  you  get  the  rest  of  the  officers  to  gather  & 
see  what  they  got  to  say  a  bout  it  &  he  says  theys  no 
body  here  yet  but  if  you  want  to  wait  untill  the  rest 


of  the  comitty  comes  all  right  I  got  no  objection  only 
Im  just  teling  you  for  your  own  good  that  your  make- 
ing  a  miss  take  &  the  best  thing  that  you  can  do  is  to 
go  home. 

Then  Grace  says  come  lets  go  home  &  I  says  I 
wouldent  untill  Id  talked  with  the  rest  of  the  comitty 
&  there  we  stood  &  stood  and  the  guy  dident  even 
say  we  should  set  down  so  finely  I  told  Grace  to 
set  down  &  she  wouldent  set  down  but  all  she  could 
say  was  lets  go  home.  Finely  the  peopl  beggin  come- 


60  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

ing  &  they  all  starred  at  us  tho  I  bet  we  dident  look 
no  worse  then  they  did  &  the  Hamiltons  come  &  the 
Carpenters  &  Grace  whispered  to  me  who  they  was  & 
they  dident  even  speak  to  us  &  finely  the  music  beggin 
&  they  all  started  danceing  in  the  room  in  side  where 
we  couldent  see  them  &  finely  I  went  up  to  the  man  at 
the  table  &  he  says  are  you  still  here  &  I  says  you  bet 
I  am  &  Im  in  a  hurry  to  see  your  comitty  &  he  says 
all  right  youll  see  them  quick  enough  as  soon  is  the 
1st.  dance  is  over  &  he  got  up  &  went  in  the  room 
where  they  was  danceing  &  pretty  soon  the  music 
stoped  &  he  come  out  with  £  ladies  &  3  gents  with  him 
&  1  of  the  gents  was  Carpenter. 

Well  the  man  says  heres  a  gent  that  says  he  got 
a  invatation  to  the  dance  &  I  says  yes  &  you  seen  my 
invatation  all  ready.  He  says  Yes  111  admit  you  had 
a  invatation  but  wear  going  to  leave  it  to  this  here 
comitty  weather  it  was  a  miss  take  or  not  &  then  they 
wisperd  to  gather  for  a  minut  &  then  the  man  says 
its  just  like  I  told  you  your  here  threw  some  miss 
take  &  the  best  thing  you  can  do  is  go  home.  So  then 
I  says  your  a  fine  bunch  of  stiffs  &  I  looked  right 
at  this  here  Carpenter.  I  says  your  a  swell  gang  of 
stews  &  before  I  get  threw  with  you  youll  all  be  ware- 
ing  the  bracelits  &  I  was  going  to  tell  them  some 
more  but  just  then  this  here  Hamilton  come  out  of 
the  room  where  the  danceing  was  at  &  says  are  we 
pinched  &  I  says  no  but  your  libel  to  be  &  he  says 
whats  the  excitement  &  Carpenter  told  him  a  bout 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY,  61 

me  haveing  the  invatation  &  then*  it  come  out  that 
Hamilton  dident  get  no  invatation  &  the  boy  that  left 
it  to  our  house  made  a  miss  take  &  we  dident  have 
none  comeing  &  if  it  hadent  of  been  for  Grace  bel 
lowing  &  makeing  a  seen  I  would  of  soiled  some  of 
there  collers  but  they  was  nothing  for  me  to  do  but 
get  her  out  of  there  but  as  I  say  if  Id  of  had  the 
old  gat  a  long  with  me  I  bet  Id  of  cut  loose  before  I 
left  there. 

Well  I  pretty  near  had  to  carry  Grace  all  the  way 
home  &  put  her  to  bed  &  douse  camfer  all  over  her 
face  &  I  finely  got  her  to  sleep  &  sent  the  girl  home 
that  was  there  to  take  care  of  the  childern  but  I 
couldent  go  to  sleep  my  self  &  I  aint  slept  yet  &  I 
called  up  the  chief  this  a  m  &  told  him  the  wife  was 
sick  &  I  couldent  come  down  &  here  it  is  pretty  near 
noon  &  I  aint  even  herd  nothing  a  bout  breakfast 
yet  tho  the  childerns  had  theres  because  Grace  re 
membered  to  give  them  theres  but  I  guess  she  thinks 
Im  saveing  up  my  appetite  for  the  refreshmunts  at 
the  next  dance. 

A  fine  bunch  of  stiffs  eh  Charley. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.,  Oct.  22. 

Dear  Brother  Charley,  Well  Charley  it  looks  like 
we  would  move  back  to  the  s.  side  if  we  could  sell  the 
place  on  acct.  of  Grace  says  she  cant  never  spend  a 


62  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

happy  minut  again  out  here  &  I  aint  so  stuck  on  it  my 
self.  But  we  wont  sell  it  for  less  then  $1000.00  more 
then  it  costed  all  to  gether  because  somebodys  got  to 
pay  for  whats  come  off  &  for  them  danceing  lessons  & 
Graces  dresses  &  that  dress  sute  I  rent  it  &  the  shirt  & 
shoes  &  all  the  rest  of  it.  Grace  spoke  a  bout  moveing 
last  night  &  I  couldent  argue  against  her  a  bout  noth 
ing  the  way  shes  feeling  these  days. 

I  promussed  I  would  see  could  I  sell  the  place  &  of 
corse  if  I  could  sell  it  for  cash  I  could  pay  off  what  I 
owe  at  the  bank  or  if  I  couldent  sell  it  for  cash  the 
peopl  that  bought  it  off  of  me  could  asume  the  mor- 
gidge. 

I  will  write  &  let  you  know  how  I  come  out. 

This  was  Graces  berth  day  &  just  as  if  she  wasent 
feeling  bad  enough  with  out  what  come  off  she  got  a 
letter  in  her  old  man's  hand  writeing  &  she  beggin  to 
smile  when  she  seen  it  &  says  pa  dont  never  for  get  my 
berth  day  &  shed  for  got  her  self  for  a  minit  &  thot 
she  was  going  to  find  1  of  them  $100.00  checks  like 
he  all  ways  sends  her  on  her  berth  day  but  when 
she  opened  the  letter  insted  of  a  check  it  was  a  rc- 
ciet  for  $100.00  of  the  money  we  all  ready  borryed 
off  of  him.  Well  that  pretty  near  finnished  her  tho  of 
corse  you  cant  blame  the  old  man  tho  it  would  of  been 
better  if  he  hadent  wrote  at  all  but  just  let  it  go. 

I  wisht  I  could  of  gave  her  some  thing  nice  to  make 


WELCOME  TO  OUR  CITY  63 

up  for  it  but  I  guess  you  know  I  aint  got  no  money  to 
throw  a  way  eh  Charley. 
Regards  to  Mary. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.,  Nov.  1. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  we  aint  going  to 
move  back  to  the  s.  side  or  no  wheres  else  but  wear 
going  to  stay  here.  I  seen  the  real  estate  man  to-day 
that  sold  us  the  place  &  ast  him  what  could  we  get  for 
it  house  &  all  &  he  named  a  price  that  wasent  even  what 
I  got  sunk  in  the  place  &  I  says  youll  half  to  come  a 
bout  a  $1000.00  higher  then  that  &  he  says  you  aint 
got  a  chance  in  the  world  to  get  what  you  want  so  why 
dont  you  stay  where  your  at.  You  wont  find  no  better 
town  no  wheres. 

So  I  told  Grace  I  guessed  wed  half  to  stay  &  she 
says  well  all  right  &  I  ast  her  what  come  over  her  all 
of  a  sudden  &  she  says  she  had  called  up  Mrs.  Carry 
&  told  her  all  about  the  dance  &  Mrs.  Carry  talked 
pretty  nice  a  bout  it  and  the  Carrys  is  comeing  over 
to-night  to  play  cinch.  &  the  Walters  was  out  here  to 
supper  night  before  last  &  says  they  wisht  they  had 
a  home  like  ourn  in  the  subburbs  insted  of  liveing  in  a 
dirty  flat  so  you  see  Charley  we  aint  so  bad  off  after 
all  &  liveing  out  heres  the  best  thing  that  could  happen 
to  the  childern. 


64  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

So  I  guess  they  aint  no  danger  of  us  moveing  for 
a  wile. 

The  door  bell  just  rung  so  the  Carry s  is  here  &  I 
got  to  close. 

Best  rgds.  to  Mary  from  both  of  us. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 

P.  S.  I  tore  this  letter  open  again  after  I  had  it 
pasted  up  all  ready.  That  wasent  the  Carrys  that 
rung  the  door  bell  but  a  man  &  his  wife  name  Curtis 
thats  in  the  wood  &  coal  busness  out  here  &  as  nice 
peopl  is  youd  want  to  meet.  Theyd  came  to  call  on  us 
&  the  Carrys  come  after  words  &  we  played  rummy 
6  hand  it  &  they  dident  go  home  untill  a  bout  10  min. 
a  go  and  its  pretty  near  1  a  clock  but  we  wasent  play 
ing  cards  all  the  wile  but  part  of  the  time  we  was  eat 
ing  refreshmunts.  Grace  cooked  up  a  welch  rabbit  & 
we  had  some  beer  to  go  with  it  &  I  guess  this  here  Cur 
tis  dont  like  his  beer.  Wear  going  over  to  the  Curtisis 
Mon.  night  &  they  got  1  of  these  here  phonagrafs  to 
dance  by  so  I  guess  all  that  money  wasent  waisted  eh 
Charley. 

Regards  to  Mary. 


CHAPTER  III 


THE    LAST    LAUGH 

Allison,  111.,  Jan.  £„ 
rother  Charley.  Well  Charley  I 
supose  you  been  haveing  rotten 
weather  down  east  just  the  same 
like  we  been  haveing  out  here  and 
here  it  is  only  Jan.  and  me  all 
ready  sick  &  tired  of  winter  and 
wisht  spring  was  here  all  ready 
but  of  corse  they  aint  no  chanct 
of  real  good  weather  for  4  mos.  & 
a  mans  waisting  time  when  you  wish  for  some  thing 
they  cant  have.  If  it  done  any  good  to  wish  I  would 
be  chief  of  police  all  ready  and  getirig  the  big  money. 
Well  Charley  when  you  move  out  in  a  subburb  they 
aint  no  chanct  for  a  man  to  spend  a  quite  evning  at 
home  onct  in  a  wile  because  theys  some  thing  doing 
evry  minut  out  here  ether  Co.  comes  to  our  house  to 
set  a  round  &  play  cards  &  lap  up  our  beer  or  else  we 
go  some  wheres  else  to  some  bodys  house  &  play  cards 
but  you  couldent  drowned  your  self  in  the  beer  they 
give  us  when  wear  at  there  house  but  when  there  at  our 
house  its  diffrunt.  But  Grace  is  haveing  the  time  of 

65 


66  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

her  life  &  says  she  dident  never  know  what  a  good 
time  was  when  she  lived  in  the  city  &  says  she  use  to 
think  she  wouldent  care  nothing  a  oout  society  but  its 
grate  stuff  when  you  get  in  to  it  so  is  long  is  she  feels 
that  way  I  wont  try  &  spoil  her  fun  tho  it  keeps  me 
broke  buying  clean  collars  &  geting  my  best  close 
prest. 

Theys  a  little  irish  girl  that  lives  down  the  st.  a 
bout  17  yrs.  old  &  Grace  highers  her  to  come  &  set  in 
the  house  wile  wear  out  nights  &  shes  got  a  fellow 
stuck  on  her  &  he  comes  &  sets  with  her  &  Grace  pays 
the  girl  $.50  a  night  &  I  guess  thats  pretty  soft  for 
the  girl  eh  Charley  because  she  gets  $.50  for  spending 
a  evning  in  a  house  thats  a  hole  lot  better  then  her 
own  house  &  pretty  soft  for  her  bow  to  because  it 
dont  cost  him  nothing  for  a  place  to  spark  his  girl 
a  way  from  her  old  man  &  old  lady  &  when  I  was 
corting  Grace  it  use  to  cost  me  real  money  to  take 
her  out  some  wheres  so  her  old  man  couldent  keep 
popping  in  on  us  evry  time  I  got  ready  to  hold 
her  hand.  By  rights  the  girls  bow  should  ought 
to  pay  the  $.50  insted  of  Grace  because  if  hes  any 
kind  of  a  sport  it  would  cost  him  more  then  $.50  to 
take  her  to  Hofmanns  garden  or  some  wheres  else 
a  way  from  her  perants.  But  Grace  says  we  cant 
leave  the  babys  in  the  house  a  lone  because  they  might 
start  crying  but  there  both  to  sleepy  to  cry  in  the  ev 
ning  &  besides  supose  they  did  start  crying  the  little 
irish  girl  &  her  bows  probably  to  busy  smacking  each 


THE  LAST  LAUGH 


67 


other  to  hear  them  &  even  if  they  herd  them  what 
would  they  do  a  bout  it  because  I  never  found  nothing 
yet  that  would  make  them  kids  stop  crying  when  they 
wanted  to  cry  unlest  it  was  a  shot  gun  or  some  thing. 
Well  Grace  says  she  thot  it  would  be  nice  to  show  the 
little  irish  girl  &  her  bow  where  we  kept  our  beer  so 
they  could  help  them  self  if  they  got  dry  but  I  says 
nothing  doing  &  if  they  want  to  drink  our  beer  the 


girls  bow  can  pay  $.15  a  pt.  for  it  like  hed  half  to  pay 
in  a  garden  only  when  he  was  helping  him  self  to  our 
beer  he  wouldent  half  to  tip  no  rotten  waiters.  I  guess 
Grace  thinks  wear  runing  the  county  hospitle  or  some 
thing. 

Well  Charley  I  hope  you  &  the  Mrs.  is  getting  a 
long  0.  K.  &  standing  the  bad  weather  O.  K.  &  I  guess 
they  must  get  more  for  postige  stamps  in  N.  Y.  city 


68  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

then  they  do  here  &  is  that  the  reason  you  dont  write 
onct  in  a  wile. 

Kindest  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.  Jan.  11. 

Dear  Charley.  Well  Charley  we  was  to  a  party 
the  night  before  last  &  wear  going  to  an  other  party 
next  wk.  &  it  takes  most  of  my  time  geting  my 
shoes  shined  &  they  talk  about  Chicago  being  a  live 
place  well  Charley  its  like  a  grave  yd.  come  pared  with 
this  place  &  some  thing  doing  evry  minut  when  your 
a  good  dresser  &  the  peopl  likes  you. 

The  party  last  night  was  over  to  Curtis  house  the 
wood  and  coal  man  &  no  wonder  his  wife  ast  us  to  the 
party  because  there  geting  a  bout  $20.00  dollars  per 
mo.  out  of  us  for  2  &  %  ton  of  coal  &  it  wouldent 
hurt  them  none  to  give  us  a  party  onct  a  mo.  &  have 
champane  wine  but  they  dident  give  us  no  wine  only 
beer  &  not  hardley  enough  of  that  to  wet  your  tungue 
&  of  corse  Id  rather  have  a  glass  of  beer  then  all  the 
wine  in  the  world  but  when  Im  dry  1  or  2  bottles  dont 
even  clear  my  throte  &  they  might  is  well  give  me  a 
spoon  full  of  butter  milk  &  expect  me  to  have  a  good 
time  &  if  I  was  in  the  wood  &  coal  busness  I  bet  I 
would  give  my  frends  enough  to  eat  and  drink  when 
they  come  to  see  me  espeshaly  when  the  peopl  that 
comes  to  see  you  is  the  peopl  that  you  might  say 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  69 

buys  your  groserys  for  you.  &  all  they  give  us 
to  eat  was  ice  cream  &  cake  &  coffee  &  Grace  hadent 
gave  me  much  supper  on  acct.  she  thot  we  would 
get  a  reglar  meal  to  the  party.  I  bet  the  next  time 
I  go  to  a  party  a  round  here  I  will  stick  a  couple 
crackers  in  my  pocket  &  a  little  cheese  to  go  with  the 
beer  but  I  guess  if  I  want  enough  beer  I  will  half  to 
take  a  long  some  of  my  own  to. 

Well  they  told  us  it  was  going  to  be  a  card  party 
so  I  and  Grace  thot  of  corse  they  would  play  cinch  or 
rummy  or  may  be  whist  but  when  we  got  over  there 
they  sprung  this  here  game  they  call  auction  bridge 
whist.  Mrs.  Curtis  says  if  I  played  whist  I  wouldent 
have  no  trubble  lerning  this  here  game  but  in  this 
game  you  bid  back  &  4th.  like  pitch  only  you  half  to 
say  what  you  are  biding  on  &  they  got  a  lot  of  funny 
sines  that  means  some  thing  &  a  mans  got  to  go  threw 
collige  to  lern  all  them  sines  so  I  just  set  there  & 
played  when  it  was  my  turn  &  onct  I  had  a  hole  fist 
full  of  spades  &  bid  3  spades  but  my  pardner  took  it 
a  way  from  me  with  1  heart  &  that  counts  more  then  3 
spades  &  I  left  her  have  it  &  they  wasent  a  heart  in 
my  hand  &  when  I  layed  it  down  she  balled  me  out 
like  it  was  some  crime  Id  pulled  off  &  we  got  set  & 
she  balled  me  out  some  more  &  of  corse  I  couldent  say 
nothing  back  because  she  was  a  woman  &  I  dident  even 
know  her  name  &  all  I  says  to  her  was  If  you  had  left 
me  have  it  with  3  spades  they  wouldent  have  been 
nothing  to  it  &  she  says  you  couldent  of  even  made  3 


70  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

spades  because  you  couldent  make  nothing  only  a  mess 
of  things  so  I  says  yes  &  you  couldent  make  nothing 
only  a  monkey  out  of  your  self  so  the  peopl  we  was 
playing  with  give  her  the  laugh  &  she  seen  she  was 
geting  the  worst  of  it  so  she  shut  up  her  mouth. 

Well  Charley  I  &  Grace  dident  win  no  prize  but  the 
woman  that  give  me  the  balling  out  dident  win  noth 
ing  nether  so  she  wasent  as  smart  is  she  thot  she  was 
but  any  way  the  gents  prize  was  a  box  to  put  your 
collars  in  &  if  I  had  of  win  I  would  of  throwed  it  a 
way  as  soon  is  we  got  out  side  the  house  because  I  aint 
got  so  many  collars  that  they  aint  room  for  all  of 
them  in  the  drawer  &  of  corse  I  dont  never  have  them 
in  the  house  all  at  onct  nether  because  theys  3  or  4  of 
them  gos  to  the  landery  evry  wk.  The  womans  prize 
was  a  pare  of  silk  stockings  &  even  if  Grace  had  of 
win  them  she  would  half  to  take  them  down  town  & 
change  them  off  because  they  was  plane  black  &  she 
aint  in  morning  for  no  body.  So  the  peopl  that  win 
the  prizes  was  well  come  to  them  eh  Charley. 

Well  the  Carrys  is  giveing  a  party  next  wk.  &  we 
come  home  with  them  from  the  Curtis  party  &  Mr. 
Carry  ast  me  how  did  I  in  joy  my  self  &  I  says  O.  K. 
only  I  could  of  got  a  way  with  a  couple  more  bottles 
of  beer  with  out  standing  on  the  pianno  &  singing  a 
song  &  wouldent  have  no  trubble  keeping  a  wake  if 
they  played  rummy  or  cinch  or  some  game  with  a  little 
life  to  it  so  I  guess  after  what  I  said  the  Carrys  will 
know  enough  to  play  some  kind  of  cards  at  there 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  71 

party  where  you  don't  have  to  wave  no  diffrimt  col- 
ered  flags  to  tell  your  pardner  what  to  bid  &  give  us 
enough  to  drink  &  not  serve  there  beer  in  no  medisine 
dropper  like  they  was  afrade  to  give  us  a  over  dose  & 
poisen  a  man. 

Well  Charley  the  rotten  weather  keeps  up  &  I 
supose  the  merchunts  is  glad  the  cold  weather  keeps 
up  because  they  all  ways  say  they  dont  do  no  busness 
when  it  aint  cold  a  round  after  xmas  time  so  some 
bodys  satusfide  with  the  weather  I  mean  the  merchunts 
&  I  guess  may  be  they  get  there  coal  at  %  price  or 
may  be  there  wifes  is  warm  blood  it  &  not  kicking  all 
the  wile  a  bout  how  cold  the  house  is. 

Rgds.  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


[Allison,  111.  Jan.  16. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  we  dident  have 
no  more  fun  to  Carrys  party  last  night  then  over 
to  Curtis  the  night  they  give  there  party  &  we  played 
this  here  auction  bridge  at  Carrys  to  &  I  set  there  & 
pretty  near  went  to  sleep  &  Carry  dident  give  us  no 
beer  but  instead  of  beer  they  give  us  some  thing  they 
called  punch  &  they  was  suposed  to  be  a  punch  in  it 
but  I  could  of  swum  in  it  with  out  no  danger  of  geting 
a  red  nose  &  the  stuff  they  give  us  to  eat  would  of  been 
a  bout  enough  for  1  man  all  to  gether  but  when  it  was 
splitted  up  for  16  peopl  a  canery  would  of  starved  to 


7*       ,         OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

death  trying  to  make  a  meal  off  of  it  &  the  Carrys 
runs  a  grosery  store  at  that  so  they  should  ought  to  be 
able  to  get  stuff  to  eat  without  paying  no  hold  up 
price  for  it  but  may  be  they  thot  if  they  give  us  some 
thing  to  eat  we  wouldent  buy  no  groserys  off  of  them 
for  a  day  or  2. 

Grace  come  in  a  little  wile  a  go  looking  mad  so  I 
says  whats  the  matter  &  she  says  nothing  &  I  says 
you  cant  fool  me  so  she  told  me  a  bout  passing  by 
Mrs.  Carpenter  &  Mrs.  Hamilton  &  she  spoke  to  them 
&  they  dident  nether  1  of  them  speak  to  her.  I  guess 
I  all  ready  told  you  who  they  was,  Charley.  Mrs. 
Hamilton  lives  right  next  door  to  us  &  Mrs.  Carpenter 
next  to  Hamiltons  &  there  the  peopl  Grace  called  on 
last  summer  right  after  we  moved  out  here  &  they  did 
ent  never  call  on  her  back  &  Mr.  Hamilton  was  1  of 
the  guys  that  wouldent  leave  us  come  in  &  dance  that 
time  we  got  the  invatation  by  miss  take  &  went  down 
to  the  dance.  So  I  says  to  Grace  what  did  you  speak 
to  them  for  &  she  says  she  wanted  to  show  she  dident 
bare  them  no  gruge  because  they  was  probly  sore  on 
them  self  for  not  calling  on  her  &  I  says  well  you  will 
know  better  next  time  &  I  pertend  it  like  it  was  a  joke 
but  I  would  like  to  get  a  good  chanct  to  get  back  at 
them  peopl  Charley  &  I  guess  you  know  Im  the  1  that 
can  do  it  when  I  get  the  chanct. 

Kindest  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  73 

Allison,  111.  Jan.  25. 

Dear  Charley.  Well  Charley  I  and  Grace  is  going 
to  get  back  at  them  swell  head  Hamiltons  &  Carpen 
ters  and  when  we  get  threw  with  them  there  chest  wont 
be  sticking  out  so  far  and  it  was  Graces  idear  only  she 
dident  know  how  good  it  was  when  she  sprung  it  and 
I  guess  when  we  put  this  over  them  Hamiltons  &  Car 
penters  will  wisht  they  act  it  a  little  more  frendily 
and  hadent  been  so  swelled  on  them  self. 

I  will  tell  you  how  it  come  up  and  what  wear  going 
to  pull  off  Charley  &  I  bet  youll  laugh  when  you  see 
what  wear  going  to  pull  off  on  them.  I  layed  off  yest. 
and  stayed  home  all  day  and  wile  we  was  eating  our 
dinner  Grace  says  some  thing  a  bout  giveing  a  party 
&  I  says  we  aint  got  no  money  to  throw  a  way  on  no 
partys  &  she  says  well  if  I  cant  give  a  party  I  cant  go 
to  no  more  partys  because  I  will  be  a  shamed  of  my 
self  going  and  I  says  Well  I  guess  peopls  been  to  our 
house  as  much  is  we  been  to  there  house  &  Grace  says 
yes  but  they  just  come  here  uniformly  &  not  no  reglar 
invatation  a  fare  and  we  havent  gave  no  reglar  card 
party  with  prizes  and  refreshmunts  &  I  says  I  guess 
the  peopl  that  have  came  here  evnings  have  got 
more  refreshments  then  we  got  to  there  house  when 
they  was  giveing  partys  but  she  says  Well  I  wont 
argue  with  you  and  if  you  wont  give  me  no  money 
to  have  a  party  we  will  just  half  to  quit  going  to 
other  peopls  houses  and  she  act  it  like  she  was  go- 


74  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

ing  to  blubber  so  I  says  Well  supose  you  give  a  party 
who  would  you  ast  to  it  and  she  says  why  the  Carrys 
and  the  Curtisis  thats  had  us  to  there  house  and  then  a 
few  other  couple  that  we  met  at  them  2  partys  so  I 
says  ha  vent  you  forgot  the  Hamiltons  &  Carpenters  & 
she  says  forgot  them  of  corse  I  aint  forgot  them  but 
do  you  think  I  would  ast  them  to  a  party  at  my  house 
after  the  way  they  been  acting  so  then  I  seen  the  pt. 
&  I  says  theys  some  sense  to  the  way  your  talking  now 
and  we  will  have  a  party  and  not  ast  nether  the  Hamil 
tons  or  Carpenters  &  they  will  feel  like  a  dirty  doose. 
Well  Grace  couldent  see  it  but  I  guess  you  can  see  it 
Charley  and  how  would  you  &  Mary  feel  if  the  peopl 
liveing  next  door  to  you  give  a  swell  party  &  you  was- 
ent  ast.  You  would  feel  like  a  rummy  wouldent  you 
Charley.  So  I  says  to  Grace  Well  I  dont  care  what 
you  think  but  I  will  come  threw  with  the  money  for 
your  party  if  youll  promus  to  not  ast  nether  the  Ham 
iltons  or  the  Carpenters  &  Grace  says  you  can  bet 
your  life  I  wont  so  that  part  of  it  was  fixed  up.  So 
then  Grace  says  we  will  give  a  cinch  party  &  give  them 
a  dutch  lunch  &  we  will  ast  the  Carrys  and  the  Curtis 
and  the  Bishops  &  Farrells  &  Grimes  &  counting  our 
self  that  will  make  a  even  doz.  &  3  tables  of  cards  &  I 
says  thats  all  right  a  bout  who  you  ast  but  leave  me 
tend  to  the  refreshmunts  a  speshaly  the  drinks  & 
Grace  says  Thats  all  right  with  me  because  I  dont 
care  nothing  a  bout  the  drinks. 

So  we  talked  it  all  over  &  planed  it  all  out  &  its  go- 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  75 

ing  to  be  some  party  Charley  &  when  the  Hamiltons 

6  Carpenters  hears  a  bout  it  they  will  want  to  go  hide 
in  a  hole  some  wheres.    Grace  was  going  to  go  at  it 
cheap  but  they  wouldent  be  no  good  giveing  no  cheap 
party  because  if  we  dident  give  a  good  1  them  swell 
heads  wouldent  care  whether  they  was  ast  or  not.    So 
when  Grace  seen  I  was  willing  to  spend  the  money  she 
says  we  should  ought  to  have  some  invatations  printed 
up  &  I  says  I  would  tend  to  that  &  we  wrote  out  the  in 
vatations  the  way  we  wanted  it  fixed  up  and  I  left  the 
order  down  town  to  day  to  have  a  doz.  of  them  printed 
up  &  of  corse  we  wont  use  the  hole  doz.  because  they 
wont  only  be  10  peopl  ast  besides  our  self  &  we  dont 
want  no  invatation  to  our  own  party  but  we  couldent 
get  10  print  it  no  cheaper  then  12  so  we  will  keep  the 
extra  2  for  a  suveneer  or  may  be  we  will  male  them  to 
you  &  Mary  because  of  corse  you  cant  come  but  may 
be  you  will  like  to  take  a  look  at  the  invatations  but 
in  case  a  couple  of  thems  spoiled  so  as  we  cant  send 
you  none  heres  what  there  going  to  say  on  them. 

F.  A.  Gross  asst.  Chief  of  Detectives  Chicago 
Police  dept.  &  lady  will  be  please  to  entertain  you  Jan. 

7  from  8  P.  M.  on.    3  tables  proggresive  cinch  fol 
lowed  by  refreshmunts.   Gents  prize  1  qt.  whisky.  La- 
dys  prize  hansome  pare  of  corsets.   Dress  sutes. 

You  see  Charley  them  prizes  is  worth  playing  for 
but  bet.  I  &  you  it  aint  costing  us  nothing  to  give 
them  because  the  whisky  is  part  of  what  Gus  Goetz 
sent  out  to  the  house  for  xmas  and  this  is  the  1st.  time 


76  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

he  ever  give  me  a  case  but  other  yrs.  he  only  give  me  a 
qt.  but  it  dont  hurt  him  none  to  loosun  up  onct  in  a 
while  because  Im  in  his  place  evry  day  3  or  4  times  & 
they  dont  never  half  to  pick  my  pockets  to  get  my 
money.  And  the  corsets  is  what  Mary  sent  to  Grace  & 
yrs.  a  go  last  xmas  &  Grace  tride  them  on  just  onct  & 
they  wasent  comftible  but  youd  sware  they  was  just 
out  of  the  store.  Grace  made  me  stick  in  the  part  a 
bout  dress  sutes  &  I  stuck  it  in  because  the  peopl  that 
comes  to  the  party  will  half  to  past  right  by  the  Ham- 
iltons  &  Carpenters  house  &  supose  they  hapen  to  be 
going  out  that  night  &  run  in  to  the  peopl  comeirig 
to  our  party  they  would  see  where  the  guests  had  on 
there  dress  sutes  &  that  shows  it  aint  no  rummy  party 
or  no  bunch  of  bums  comeing  &  of  corse  I  dont  half 
to  ware  no  dress  sute  my  self  because  I  wont  half  to  go 
out  because  the  partys  right  in  my  house. 

Well  Charley  wear  going  to  have  frank  forters  & 
liver  worst  &  slaw  &  potato  sellid  &  ice  cream  &  cake 
&  coffee  &  of  corse  beer  &  you  can  bet  I  will  give  them 
enough  so  they  wont  go  home  dry  &  I  will  mix  them 
up  some  high  balls  to  &  besides  that  the  1  that  wins 
the  prize  will  may  be  open  it  up  before  they  go  home 
&  if  he  does  I  will  fernish  the  excelsior  water  to 
make  high  balls  out  of  that  to.  We  will  show  them  the 
time  of  there  life  Charley  &  I  got  it  fixed  up  all  ready 
with  the  man  that  runs  the  weakly  paper  out  here  to 
stick  some  thing  in  a  bout  the  party  so  they  wont  be 
no  chanct  of  the  Hamiltons  &  Carpenters  not  finding 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  77 

out  a  bout  it  after  words  &  I  bet  when  they  find  out 
they  will  come  over  here  on  there  hands  and  niece  & 
make  up  for  the  way  they  treat  it  I  &  Grace. 

I  pretty  near  forgot  to  tell  you  a  bout  the  peopl  we 
got  liveing  next  door  to  us  not  the  Hamiltons  but  the 
peopl  on  the  other  side  &  they  aint  been  liveing  there 
long  but  moved  in  a  little  wile  ago  and  there  name  is 


Martin.  Well  the  night  this  hapened  I  guess  they  was 
giveing  a  new  yrs.  eve  party  or  some  thing  &  they 
was  makeing  more  noise  then  a  brass  band  &  holler 
ing  like  a  bunch  of  indians  till  2  a  clock  in  the  A.  M. 
&  Grace  had  a  headache  &  couldent  sleep  but  she  was- 
ent  going  to  say  nothing  but  pretty  soon  little  Ed 
was  woken  up  by  them  hollering  next  door  and  he  was 
balling  &  they  couldent  none  of  us  sleep  so  pretty 


78  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

soon  I  couldent  stand  it  no  longer  &  I  slipt  my  over 
cote  &  sox  &  shoes  on  over  my  night  gown  &  went  over 
&  rapped  at  the  door  &  Mr.  Martin  come  to  the  door 
and  I  says  you  better  lay  off  on  some  of  the  rackit 
&  he  says  what  will  you  do  if  we  dont  &  then  I  flashed 
my  star  on  him  &  I  says  cut  the  noise  out  or  youll  get 
the  worst  of  it  &  then  I  come  a  way  &  I  guess  what  I 


said  done  the  business  because  a  bout  a  %  hr.  after 
words  there  guests  went  home  &  they  wasent  no  more 
noise  &  next  A.  M.  I  and  Mr.  Martin  went  down  on 
the  same  train  to  gather  &  I  went  up  to  him  &  says  I 
was  sorry  to  spoil  his  fun  &  he  says  Thats  all  right 
you  dident  spoil  our  fun  you  just  add  it  to  it.  So  you 
see  he  is  a  good  fellow  &  we  would  ast  him  to  the 
party  only  him  and  his  wife  would  make  14  &  I  & 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  79 

Grace  would  half  to  set  out  of  the  game  and  not  play 
if  they  was  any  more  peopl  ast  &  the  peopl  we  ast  we 
couldent  leave  none  of  them  out  &  we  cant  ast  16 
peopl  &  have  4  tables  because  we  aint  only  got  3  tables 
in  the  house.  I  will  write  &  let  you  know  a  bout  our 
party  &  I  bet  you  wisht  you  &  Mary  could  be  here 
for  it. 

Kindest  to  Mary.  Fred  A 


Allison,  111.  Feb.  1. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  Im  so  sore  I  cant 
hardly  write  but  I  want  to  tell  you  what  kind  of 
bums  we  got  liveing  next  door  to  us  I  mean  the  Ham- 
iltons  and  the  Carpenters  that  lives  on  the  other 
side  of  the  Hamiltons  and  before  they  get  threw  with 
me  they  will  wisht  they  hadent  of  monkied  with  Fred 
Gross  &  I  guess  I  dont  half  to  tell  you  that  they  cant 
no  body  try  there  funny  busness  on  me  and  get  a  way 
with  it. 

Well  Charley  I  dident  know  they  was  peopl  in  the 
world  like  them  bums  &  if  Id  of  knew  what  kind  of 
peopl  we  was  buying  a  place  next  to  them  I  would  of 
lived  in  a  tree  before  I  would  of  came  here  to  live  but 
you  know  the  old  saying  he  that  laughs  the  last  gets 
the  best  of  it.  Im  laying  low  &  waiting  for  my  chanct 
and  when  it  comes  I  wont  be  taking  no  nap. 

Well  Charley  I  guess  I  better  tell  you  what  come  off 
&  the  papers  was  all  full  of  it  this  A.  M.  &  I  called  up 


80 


OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 


the  chief  &  says  I  wouldent  be  down  to  day  and  he  says 
all  right  &  I  aint  sick  or  nothing  but  I  know  theys 
some  bums  down  to  head  quarters  that  would  shoot 
there  mouth  off  a  bout  what  was  in  the  papers  &  I 
would  probly  get  sore  and  shoot  some  body  full 
of  holes. 

Well  Charley  last  night  was  the  night  we  give  our 
party  &  of  corse  we  knowed  when  we  got  the  party  up 
that  the  Hamiltons  &  Carpenters  would  get  sore  on 
acct.  of  not  geting  ast  to  the  party  but  we  dident  in 
tend  to  leave  them  know  nothing  a  bout  the  party  a 
head  of  time  but  leave  them  read  a  bout  it  in  the  Alli 
son  paper  when  it  comes  out  next  Sat.  But  they  found 
out  a  bout  it  some  way  &  of  corse  they  was  sore  but 
insted  of  takeing  it  like  a  man  they  act  it  like  a  baby 
or  worse  then  that  because  they  couldent  no  baby  be 
mean  enough  to  do  wrhat  they  done. 

Well  Charley  the  peopl  all  come  that  we  ast  &  we 


THE  LAST  LAUGH 


81 


set  down  &  played  cards  a  wile  &  evry  body  was  have- 
ing  a  pretty  good  time  but  I  finely  got  dry  &  dident 
see  no  use  of  waiting  till  the  card  games  was  over 
before  I  give  the  boys  some  thing  to  moisun  there 
throtes  so  I  went  out  &  mixed  up  a  few  high  balls  & 
I  made  them  pretty  stiff  &  the  gents  was  tickled  to 
death  to  get  a  hold  of  some  thing  to  drink  before  it 
was  time  for  the  refreshmunts  &  Curtis  says  it  taste 
it  like  more  so  I  mixed  them  up  some  more  &  1st.  thing 
you  know  Curtis  was  throwing  the  cards  all  over  the 
floor  &  he  hadent  only  had  2  so  Carry  called  me  over 
to  1  side  &  says  it  wasent  right  to  not  finnish  Curtis 
up  when  he  had  such  a  good  start  so  of  corse  then  the 
game  busted  up  and  Grace  dident  have  the  refresh 
munts  ready  yet  but  my  part  of  the  refreshmunts  was 
ready  so  I  wasent  going  to  leave  the  Co.  with  out  noth 
ing  to  do  so  I  brot  in  the  stuff  &  left  the  gents  mix 


82  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

up  there  own  &  after  while  about  4  of  them  cleared 
the  tables  out  of  the  way  &  begin  danceing  &  of  corse 
we  dident  have  no  music  so  Curtis  pertend  it  like  he 
was  the  orchuster  &  begin  hollering  &  singing  for  the 
others  to  dance  to  &  we  was  geting  a  long  all  O.  K.  but 
pretty  noisey  but  no  harm  done  till  Curtis  says  our 
house  wasent  big  enough  to  dance  in  it  &  1st.  thing 
you  know  him  &  Mrs.  Carry  went  out  on  the  walk  & 
begin  danceing  there  &  him  singing  all  the  wile  &  hol 
lering  like  a  wild  man  &  pretty  soon  the  rest  of  them 
was  all  out  doors  &  of  corse  I  &  Grace  couldent  stick 
in  the  house  when  they  was  all  out  side  &  we  had  to 
dance  to  keep  warm  because  it  couldent  of  been  more 
then  10  or  11  above  0  &  Grace  kept  after  me  all  the 
wile  to  try  &  get  Curtis  to  shut  up  his  mouth  but  she 
might  is  well  of  told  me  to  stop  the  europe  war  &  he 
kept  it  up  till  finely  he  sliped  &  fell  down  on  the  ice 
&  when  I  &  Carry  tride  to  pick  him  up  we  sliped  to  & 
fell  down  &  I  thot  we  wasent  never  going  to  get  up  it 
was  so  slipry  &  then  Grace  says  we  had  woke  the 
babys  up  &  Curtis  herd  her  &  they  wasent  nothing 
to  it  but  he  must  go  up  stares  &  put  them  back  to 
sleep  &  he  hit  more  of  the  stares  with  his  jaw  then  he 
did  with  his  ft.  &  him  trying  to  get  the  babys  back 
to  sleep  was  a  bout  like  as  if  I  tride  to  do  it  by 
blowing  the  fire  whistle  in  there  ear  &  I  &  Grace 
had  to  go  up  &  get  him  out  of  there  room  &  wile 
we  was  up  stares  the  door  bell  rung  &  I  come  down 
&  every  body  was  in  the  house  again  by  this  time 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  83 

so  I  opened  up  the  door  &  there  was  a  bum  there 
that  says  he  was  the  night  watchman  &  says  who 
owns  this  house  &  I  says  I  own  it  come  in  &  have 
a  drink  &  he  says  nothing  doing  &  the  best  thing  you 
can  do  is  get  your  hat  &  cote  on  &  come  a  long  with  me. 
I  says  what  for  &  he  says  disturbing  the  piece  &  I 
says  who  says  so  &  he  says  thats  none  of  your  busness 


so  I  says  you  bet  its  my  busness  &  you  got  to  show 
me  your  warent  &  who  sined  it  before  I  will  go  a  long 
with  you  &  that  had  him  stoped  &  evry  thing  would  of 
been  O.  K.  only  just  then  Curtis  come  down  the  stares 
&  buted  in  bet.  I  and  the  oficer  &  told  the  oficer  to  beat 
it  &  the  oficer  told  him  to  shut  his  mouth  &  then  what 
does  Curtis  do  but  take  a  crack  at  the  guy  &  the  guy 
started  to  pull  his  club  &  then  I  horned  in  &  took  it 


84  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

a  way  from  him  &  he  says 
Well  I  dont  need  no  warrent 
now  but  your  arrested  for 
resisting  a  oficer  &  I  says 
whose  going  to  arrest  me  & 
he  says  you  will  find  out  so 
then  he  went  a  way  &  I  thot 
we  was  threw  with  him  &  we  shut  the  door  &  Cur 
tis  was  ready  for  a  nap  by  this  time  so  we  layed 
him  on  the  sofa  &  Grace  brot  in  the  stuff  to  eat  & 
we  was  laughing  and  jokeing  a  bout  the  smart  aleck 
constable  when  the  door  bell  rung  again  &  there 
was  the  same  guy  &  2  others  with  him  &  I  hadent 
no  sooner  opened  up  the  door  then  he  pulled  his  gat 
on  me. 

Well  Charley  to  make  it  short  I  had  to  go  a  long 
with  them  &  they  wouldent  even  leave  me  call  up 
down  town  to  head  quarters  &  get  Jack  &  some  of  the 
boys  to  come  out  and  show  them  whose  who  &  they 
wanted  Curtis  to  but  when  they  seen  him  layed  out 
on  the  sofa  they  past  him  up  &  I  was  the  goat  &  I 
couldent  let  on  how  sore  I  was  because  Grace  &  the 
rest  of  the  women  was  haveing  histeriks  &  evry  thing 
else  so  I  says  good  night  to  Grace  &  smiled  at  her 
&  the  rest  of  the  women  &  told  them  not  to  worry  & 
then  I  went  a  way  with  the  3  guys  &  they  locked 
me  up. 

Well  Charley  I  dident  get  no  sleep  because  I  was 
trying  to  figger  out  who  put  up  the  job  but  it  come 
to  me  all  of  a  sudden  this  A.  M.  that  it  was  Hamilton 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  85 

&  Carpenter  &  when  I  ast  the  oficer  was  it  them  he 
wouldent  say  nothing  so  you  see  it  was  them  &  I  will 
make  them  swett  for  it. 

Well  Charley  I  was  tooken  up  before  the  justice 
the  1st  thing  this  A.M.  &  the  justice  was  a  good  fel 
low  &  they  wasent  no  body  there  to  complane  agin 
me  only  the  oficer  &  when  he  found  out  who  I  realy 
was  he  wouldent  say  nothing  &  says  he  was  sorry  he 
pulled  me  in  but  it  wasent  his  fait.  So  they  left  me 
go  &  I  come  home  &  Grace  is  pretty  near  sick  because 
it  was  in  the  papers  how  we  was  giving  a  party  & 
doing  the  foxey  trot  out  in  the  middle  of  the  st. 

They  wasent  nothing  in  the  papers  a  bout  Curtis 
tho  if  it  hadent  of  been  for  him  they  wouldent  of 
never  been  no  troubble  &  the  next  time  I  give  a  party 
I  wont  ast  no  sucker  like  him  that  wants  to  immitate 
the  banda  Roma  the  minut  he  gets  2  drinks  under  his 

belt  only  I  wont  give  no  more  partys  for  no  body  & 

the  next  time  any  body  says  the  word  party  to  me  I 

will  bust  a  platter  over  there  bean. 

Of  corse  they  aint  no  danger  of  the  chief  laying 

me  off  or  doing  nothing  because  I  explained  the  hole 

thing  to  him  over  the  phone  this  A.M.    But  you  can 

bet  Hamilton  &  Carpenter 

would   of   got   my   job   if 

they  could  &  it  aint  there 

fait  they  dident. 

Well   Ive   wrote   you    a 

long  letter  Charley  but  I 

guess  I  had  some  news  for 


86  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

you  even  if  it  was  bad  news  but  the  next  bad  news  will 
be  a  bout  them  stiffs  that  pulled  it  off. 
Kindest  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.  Feb.  4. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  you  know  the  old 
saying  a  bout  the  1  that  laughs  the  last  gets  the 
best  of  it  &  the  day  after  tomorrow  I  will  be  the 
1  thats  laughing  &  Hamilton  &  Carpenter  will  wisht 
they  was  in  a  hole  some  wheres  hideing  &  they  will 
find  out  they  aint  no  body  cant  put  nothing  over  on 
Fred  Gross  &  get  any  thing  but  the  worst  of  it.  I 
got  evry  thing  fixed  up  &  I  aint  said  nothing  to  Grace 
or  no  body  else  a  bout  it  accept  Bob  Barnes  &  I  guess 
you  know  who  he  is  Charley  or  if  you  dont  you  should 
ought  to.  Hes  the  sherrif  of  Cook  Co.  Charley  & 
they  aint  nothing  I  could  ast  him  to  do  for  me  that 
he  wouldent  do  on  acct  of  what  I  done  for  him  wile 
he  was  runing  for  sherrif. 

Well  Charley  I  will  half  to  tell  you  whats  comeing 
off  &  how  I  got  the  tip  to  pull  off  what  Im  going  to 
pull  off  on  them.  The  little  irish  girl  that  stays  with 
the  babys  evnings  some  times  was  here  Sun.  &  her 
&  Grace  was  talking  &  the  girl  knows  the  girl  that 
works  for  the  Hamiltons  next  door  to  us  &  the  Ham- 
iltons  higher  girl  told  this  little  girl  a  bout  Mrs. 
Hamilton  bellonging  to  a  auction  bridge  whist  club 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  87 

that  meets  evry  Thurs.  P.M.  &  insted  of  playing  for 
a  regular  prize  like  a  pare  of  silk  stockings  or  some 
thing  they  all  stick  in  a  $1.00  a  peace  &  theys  a  bout 
12  of  them  in  the  club  &  the  1  that  wins  the  prize 
takes  the  $12.00  dollars  in  cash  money  &  Mrs.  Car 
penters  1  of  the  club.  Well  Charley  there  going  to 
meet  the  day  after  tomorrow  to  Hamiltons  house  & 
may  be  you  guest  all  ready  whats  comeing  off. 

Well  Charley  I  got  the  idear  Sun.  night  after  I 
was  in  bed  &  when  I  come  down  town  yest.  A.M.  I 
went  up  in  the  county  bldg  &  seen  Bob  &  ast  him 
would  he  do  me  a  f aver  &  he  says  any  thing  but  lone 
me  some  money  but  he  was  jokeing  Charley  &  he 
would  lone  me  money  to  if  I  ast  him  but  I  says  No 
I  dident  want  to  borry  no  money  &  then  I  told  him 
what  I  wanted.  Well  Charley  I  guess  you  know  whats 
coming  off.  When  them  swell  society  dames  is  have- 
ing  there  little  auction  bridge  whist  game  1  of  the 
deputy  sherrifs  is  going  to  walk  in  on  them  &  make 
a  pinch  see  Charley.  Of  corse  Bob  couldent  come 
out  &  make  the  pinch  him  self  because  it  would  put 
him  in  bad  but  lies  going  to  give  the  job  to  a  deputy 
name  Parker  thats  no  good  &  Bobs  trying  to  get  rid 
of  him  any  way  &  if  theys  any  trubble  comes  up 
Parker  will  be  the  bird  elect  it  to  face  the  music. 

Well  Charley  I  guess  thats  a  poor  idear  &  I  guess 
that  will  make  some  story  for  the  Chi  papers  &  they 
wont  be  no  chanct  of  them  not  hearing  a  bout  it  eh 
Charley.  I  will  see  to  that. 


88  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

Well  Charley  I  told  you  I  would  get  back  at  these 
birds  &  make  them  wisht  they  had  of  layed  off  of 
me  &  before  Im  threw  with  them  they  will  be  crall- 
ing  on  there  hands  &  niece  but  I  guess  you  under 
stand  Charley  that  I  aint  trying  to  do  no  more  then 
just  scare  them  &  of  corse  the  women  wont  be  pulled 
in  or  nothing  like  that  but  just  a  pinch  &  a  little 
story  in  the  papers.  Thats  a  plenty  eh  Charley. 

Dont  say  nothing  to  Mary  a  bout  it  Charley  be 
cause  she  might  spill  some  thing  a  bout  it  to  Grace 
in  a  letter  &  I  aint  sure  yet  that  Im  going  to  tell 
Grace. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.  Feb.  7. 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  the  deeds  done 
&  its  all  over  &  they  was  a  story  in  the  papers 
this  A.M.  that  would  knock  you  dead  &  Im  going  to 
buy  up  some  extra  coppys  of  the  papers  &  send  3^ou 
some  of  them  &  you  will  see  if  I  fixed  them  swell  heads 
or  not  only  it  came  near  being  a  bad  mix  up  on  acct. 
of  this  bone  head  deputy  Parker  that  Bob  sent  out 
to  make  the  pinch.  He  pored  a  few  glassis  of  cur- 
rage  down  his  throte  before  he  went  on  the  job  & 
when  he  got  ready  to  work  he  was  all  lit  up  like  a 
church  &  went  up  &  pound  it  on  Hamiltons  front 
door  &  when  the  higher  girl  opened  up  the  door  he 
pulled  his  gun  and  she  shreeked  &  pretty  near  fainted 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  89 

&  then  Mrs.  Hamilton  come  riming  to  the  door  &  she 
must  be  a  pretty  game  bird  Charley  because  she  looked 
the  gat  right  in  the  face  &  ast  Parker  what  he  wanted 
&  he  showed  her  his  star  &  says  the  place  was  pinched 
&  she  says  what  for  &  he  told  her  for  being  a  gam- 
bleing  house  &  she  ast  him  was  it  a  joke  or  some 
thing  &  he  says  no  &  she  ast  to  see  his  warent  &  he 
says  he  dident  need  no  warent  because  he  come  under 
orders  from  the  sherrif  &  then  she  told  him  to  come 
&  set  down  &  he  come  in  jugling  the  gun  a  round 
in  his  hand  &  3  or  4  more  of  the  women  pretty  near 
fell  dead  &  it  would  of  been  just  like  him  to  take  a 
shot  at  them  but  Mrs.  Hamilton  finely  got  the  other 
women  cammed  down  &  told  Parker  to  have  a  seat  & 
then  she  called  her  husband  up  in  town  &  he  called 
the  sherrif s  ofice  &  got  a  hold  of  Bob  on  the  wire  & 
of  corse  Bob  told  him  it  must  be  some  miss  take  so 
Hamilton  got  Bob  to  call  up  &  talk  to  Parker  &  Bob 
told  Parker  to  leave  the  women  a  lone  &  come  back 
to  head  quarters  &  Parker  dident  know  what  to  think 
but  he  beat  it  out  of  Hamiltons  house  &  back  to  town 
&  thats  all  they  was  to  it.  But  of  corse  some  body 
called  up  the  diffrunt  papers  &  give  them  the  story 
a  bout  a  deputy  sherrif  radeing  a  swell  gambleing 
joint  in  Allison  &  I  bet  the  Hamiltons  &  Carpenters 
would  of  gave  there  right  eye  to  not  have  that  stuff 
in  the  papers. 

Well  Charley  dont  say  nothing  to  Mary  because 
I  aint  going  to  tell  Grace  &  I  havent  told  no  body 


90 


OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 


only  you  &  Bob  Barnes  of  corse  &  no  body  else  ac 
cept  this  here  Martin  that  moved  in  next  door  to  us 
on  the  left  &  may  be  I  told  you  a  bout  him  makeing 
so  much  noise  new  yrs.  eve  that  I  had  to  go  over  & 
tell  them  to  shut  up  but  he  was  all  right  a  bout  it 
&  dident  get  sore  but  I  &  him  was  seting  next  to 
each  other  going  in  to  town  on  the  train  this  A.M. 
&  he  seen  me  reading  the  peace  in  the  papers  a  bout 


the  pinch  at  Hamiltons  &  I  guess  he  seen  me  laugh 
ing  &  he  ast  me  what  the  laugh  was  a  bout  &  so  I 
ast  him  if  he  could  keep  a  secrit  &  he  says  sure  so 
I  told  him  all  a  bout  it  &  when  I  got  threw  teling 
him  he  layed  back  in  his  seat  &  pretty  near  busted 
laughing  &  I  says  to  him  You  know  the  old  saying 
a  bout  the  1  that  laughs  the  last  gets  the  best  of  it 
&  he  says  Thats  me  &  he  was  laughing  so  loud  that 
he  drownded  out  the  train. 


THE  LAST  LAUGH  91 

Well  Charley  I  bet  it  wont  be  long  before  I  will 
be  writeing  to  tell  you  a  bout  them  swell  heads  come- 
ing  over  to  call  on  Grace  &  they  will  know  better 
after  this  then  to  put  on  heirs  in  front  of  peopl  thats 
just  as  good  is  them  and  a  hole  lot  better. 

Kindest  to  Mary. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


CHAPTER  IV 


UNCIVIL  WAR 

Allison,  111.  Feb.  3. 
Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley 
this  is  a  funny  World  where  a 
man  has  neighbors  on  1  side  of 
you  that  you  couldent  fine  no 
better  peopl  no  wheres  and  on  the 
other  side  peopl  that  they  aint 
nothing  to  mean  and  small  for 
them  to  do  and  allways  trying  to 
make  you  missable. 

A  man  name  Martin  and  his  wife  is  the  peopl  that 
we  got  liveing  the  next  door  on  the  left  and  I  and 
Martins  been  going  down  town  on  the  same  train  to 
gather  and  thats  the  way  how  we  got  aquanted  so 
the  other  night  I  and  him  happen  to  get  on  the  same 
train  comeing  home  and  set  in  the  same  seat  and  I 
ast  him  why  dident  him  and  his  Mrs.  come  over  some 
night  and  play  cards  and  he  says  he  dident  need 
nothing  to  put  him  to  sleep  and  I  guess  he  ment  I 
would  probily  fill  him  up  with  beer  but  beffore  we 
got  home  he  promused  to  bring  the  Mrs.  and  come 
over  and  last  night  was  the  night  they  come.  Well 

92 


UNCIVIL  WAR  98 

Charley  you  ought  to  see  this  here  Mrs.  Martin.  She 
aint  nothing  but  a  girl  you  might  say  and  prety  as  a 
pitcher  and  dresses  as  good  is  «,  course  girl  and  you 
could  set  down  and  read  the  evening  paper  with  out 
no  electrick  light  if  she  was  in  the  rm.  with  her  di- 
monds. 

She  took  quiet  a  shine  to  Grace  right  a  way  and 
ast  her  did  she  sew  her  own  close  or  where  did  she 
get  them  and  Grace  says  no  in  deed  she  hadent  had 
no  time  to  sew  her  own  close  sence  3  yrs.  a  go  when 
little  Ed  was  born  and  Mrs.  Martin  says  she  thot 
may  be  the  close  was  made  beffore  that  and  the  rea 
son  she  thot  Grace  must  of  made  them  was  on  acct. 
of  she  never  seen  nothing  like  them  in  the  stores  wile 
she  was  shopping.  So  of  corse  Grace  was  tickeled 
to  deth  like  all  the  wommen  when  you  swell  them  up 
a  bout  there  close  and  her  and  Mrs.  Martin  got  a  long 
fine  but  Mrs.  Martin  dont  play  cinch  so  we  set  down 
and  played  rummy  and  Martin  insist  it  we  should 
play  for  $.01  a  pt.  to  make  it  intrusting  so  we  played 
a  wile  and  I  loose  $1.50  and  Grace  loose  $.80  but  it 
was  worth  the  money  the  fun  we  had. 

So  after  we  was  threw  plain  cards  and  we  was  set- 
ing  a  round  drinking  a  bottle  of  beer  and  all  of  a 
sudden  they  was  a  crash  on  the  back  porch  and  I  and 
Martin  run  out  there  and  a  cat  had  knocked  the  gar- 
bidge  pale  over  and  I  called  Grace  to  see  whos  cat  it 
was  and  she  says  it  was  Hamiltons  cat  the  peopl  that 
lives  the  next  door  to  us  on  the  other  side  then  the 


94  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

Martins  lives  on.  And  Grace  says  the  same  cat  had 
been  doing  it  right  a  long  because  all  most  evry  A. 
M.  she  found  the  pale  laying  on  the  porch  so  I  says 
why  dont  they  feed  the  cat  at  home  and  she  wouldn't 
half  to  go  prolling  a  round  the  neighbors  hood  to 
get  some  thing  to  eat  and  then  Martin  says  may  be 
the  Hamiltons  was  sore  at  us  and  starved  there  cat 
on  the  purpose  so  as  she  would  come  over  and  undis- 
terb  us  evry  night  and  he  ast  me  if  Id  gave  Hamilton 
any  reason  to  get  sore  at  me  that  would  make  him 
pull  off  a  trick  like  that. 

So  I  says  well  may  be  Hamilton  was  sore  at  me 
but  he  dident  have  no  more  reason  to  be  sore  at  me 
then  me  to  be  sore  at  him  because  it  was  a  horse  a 
peace  so  Martin  ast  me  to  tell  him  a  bout  it  so  I  told 
him  that  we  had  gave  a  party  1  night  and  hadent  ast 
the  Hamiltons  on  acct.  of  them  not  calling  on  Grace 
after  she  had  payed  them  a  call  when  we  1st  mowed 
out  here  so  Hamilton  and  his  wife  got  sore  on  acct. 
of  us  not  asking  them  to  our  party  and  1  of  the  boys 
that  come  to  the  party  got  to  many  drinks  under  his 
belt  and  done  the  foxy  trot  out  on  the  side  walk  and 
Hamilton  sent  for  the  night  watch  man  and  had  me 
arested  for  disterbing  the  piece  and  so  a  little  wile 
latter  to  get  back  at  him  I  fixed  it  up  with  the  sher- 
rifs  ofice  to  send  1  of  the  deputys  out  to  Hamiltons 
house  1  P.  M.  when  Mrs.  Hamilton  was  giveing  a 
party  and  plain  action  bridge  whist  for  money  and 
the  deputy  told  Mrs.  Hamilton  she  was  arested  for 


UNCIVIL  WAR  95 

runing  a  gambleing  house  and  of  corse  nothing  come 
out  of  it  accept  that  they  was  a  peace  in  the  papers 
a  bout  it  and  I  onily  done  it  to  get  even. 

So  Martin  says  probily  Hamilton  suspect  it  me 
of  bean  the  1  that  sent  the  deputy  out  there  and  was 
trying  to  make  things  missable  for  me  by  starveing 
there  cat  so  she  would  yowel  a  round  our  house  all 
night  and  Martin  says  if  he  was  me  he  would  lern 
Hamilton  a  lesson  and  I  says  how  and  he  says  for  me 
to  think  up  some  trick  to  play  on  him  so  as  he  would 


quitt  monking  with  me.  So  Im  going  to  try  and  think 
up  some  thing  and  I  would  shoot  his  cat  onily  it  aint 
the  cats  fait  that  there  starveing  her  to  deth  and  a 
cats  got  to  eat  the  same  as  a  human  bean. 

Well  Charley  I  wisht  you  and  Mary  could  get  a 
look  at  Mrs.  Martin  when  shes  dolled  up  for  the  eve 
ning  and  she  jretter  then  Edna  Tangay  or  any  of 


96  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

them  stage  beatys  and  last  night  she  had  on  a  dress 
that  you  kept  thinking  may  be  it  would  fall  off  be 
cause  you  couldent  see  what  was  keeping  it  on  but 
it  must  of  been  attacked  on  some  wheres  with  stables 
or  some  thing  and  her  arms  and  neck  and  soldiers  was 
bear  and  all  spred  over  with  this  here  tacklum  pow 
der  and  evry  time  she  come  clost  to  you  you  thot  you 
was  in  a  Green  house  or  to  a  funeral  or  some  wheres. 
Martin  was  all  dood  it  up  to  and  they  was  a  swell 
looking  pare  but  a  man  would  half  to  spend  a  bout 
a  wk.  in  a  barber  shop  beffore  he  would  look  good 
enough  to  run  a  round  with  her. 

Well  Charley  I  wisht  it  would  warm  up  a  little  and 
Im  burning  pretty  near  a  ton  of  cole  a  wk.  and  still 
Grace  comeplanes  a  bout  how  cold  the  house  is  but 
I  guess  she  would  comeplane  of  the  cold  if  we  was 
liveing  down  to  the  South  Pole  and  if  the  house  was 
relay  cold  last  night  like  Grace  says  why  dident  Mrs. 
Martin  make  some  remark  a  bout  it  because  if  any 
body  was  cold  she  ought  to  been  with  out  no  more 
than  a  batheing  sute  on  you  might  say. 

Rgds.  to  Mary  and  take  care  of  your  self. 

Your  Bro. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.  Feb.  12. 

Brother  Charley.     Well  Charley  I  guess  this  here 
Hamilton  will  keep  his  cat  to  home  and  mine  his 


UNCIVIL  WAR  97 

own  busness  beffore  I  and  him  is  threw  with  each 
other.  I  found  out  today  from  Grace  that  Mrs.  Ham 
ilton  is  going  to  give  a  party  the  day  after  tomorrow 
night  the  14  and  the  way  I  found  out  a  bout  it  was 
the  little  irish  girl  that  comes  and  sets  in  the  house 
with  the  babys  wile  wear  out  nights  found  it  out  from 
Harniltons  higher  girl  and  thats  how  I  come  to  find 
out  a  bout  it. 

Grace  was  telling  me  a  bout  it  at  breakfast  this 
A.  M.  and  wile  she  was  telling  me  a  bout  it  a  idear 
come  to  me  because  she  says  it  was  going  to  be  a  val 
entine  party  because  the  14  is  valentine  day  so  I  thot 
all  of  a  sudden  a  bout  sending  this  here  Hamilton  a 
valentine  not  1  of  these  pretty  ones  that  folds  up 
with  the  flowers  on  them  but  a  comical  1  only  it  would 
be  so  comical  it  would  make  him  sore  and  he  wouldent 
get  no  laugh  out  of  it.  So  I  set  down  besides  Mar 
tin  on  the  train  going  down  town  and  I  told  him  a 
bout  me  going  to  send  Hamilton  a  valentine  and  he 
says  it  was  a  grate  idear  only  you  should  ought  to 
go  stronger  then  that  and  pull  off  some  thing  else  on 
him  a  long  with  it  and  I  says  what  could  I  pull  and 
he  brot  up  a  bout  the  party  the  Hamiltons  is  going 
to  have  and  ast  me  couldent  I  get  a  hold  of  1  of  these 
sines  the  helth  bord  hangs  up  on  a  house  when  the 
residence  has  got  some  decease  and  got  to  be  quarn- 
teed  and  he  says  if  I  could  get  a  hold  of  1  of  them 
sines  and  hang  it  under  the  electrick  light  on  Ham 
iltons  porch  the  night  of  the  party  the  guests  would 


98  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

all  of  them  see  it  and  be  scared  to  go  in  the  house 
and  turn  around  and  go  home  and  Hamilton  and  his 
wife  would  set  there  all  evening  wondring  why  did- 
ent  there  friends  come  to  the  party. 

Well  Charley  I  seen  right  a  way  that  was  bet 
ter  then  sending  him  a  valentine  but  Im  going  to  send 
him  a  valentine  to  and  I  got  1  down  town  today  and 
going  to  male  it  to  him  tomorrow  and  its  some  valen 
tine  Charley  a  pitcher  of  a  big  hog  drawed  on  it  and 
then  theys  some  pottery  under  the  pitcher  that  says. 

They  ought  to  keep  you  in  a  pen 
Not  let  you  be  with  other  men 
Your  not  a  man  but  just  a  big 
Dissgusting  stupid  greasy  pig 

I  guess  that  will  give  him  some  thing  to  think  a 
bout  hey  Charley  but  I  was  going  to  tell  you  a  bout 
the  sine  I  got  a  hold  of  and  it  says  SMALL  POX 
in  big  letters  on  it  and  Im  going  to  sneek  over  there 
the  night  of  the  party  as  soon  is  it  gets  dark  and 
hang  it  up  right  under  where  they  allways  got  the 
electrick  light  on  the  porch  and  the  guests  cant  help 
from  seen  it  wrhen  they  get  ready  to  ring  the  door 
bell  and  then  they  will  see  the  sine  and  beat  it  home 
and  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Hamilton  can  have  there  party 
all  to  them  self  and  may  be  some  peopl  might  think 
it  was  a  dirty  trick  but  it  aint  %  as  bad  is  starvcing 
your  cat  so  as  she  will  come  over  evry  night  and  knock 


UNCIVIL  WAR  99 

over  a  mans  garbidge  pale  over.   And  yowel  a  round 
the  house. 

Well  Charley  I  will  write  and  let  you  know  all  a 
bout  the  Hamiltons  big  valentine  party  hey  Charley. 

,Your  Bro. 

F.  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.  Feb.  15. 

Dear  Charley.  Well  Charley  Grace  has  went  to 
bed  and  says  she  wouldent  set  up  no  longer  with  me 
because  I  was  to  mean  and  cross  and  I  guess  I  got  a 
right  to  feel  sore  but  she  dont  know  nothing  a  bout 
it  because  I  dident  tell  her  nothing  a  bout  it. 

Well  Charley  I  told  you  a  bout  me  sending  Ham 
ilton  that  valentine  and  I  just  ment  it  in  fun  and 
what  do  you  think  he  done  Charley  but  he  must  of  did 
it  bcffore  he  ever  got  my  valentine  because  I  sent  it 
to  him  Wed.  A.  M.  and  when  I  stoped  in  at  the  P.  O. 
Wed.  on  the  way  to  the  train  to  go  in  to  town  they 
was  a  letter  there  for  me  only  it  wasent  no  letter  but 
a  valentine  1  of  the  dirtest  you  ever  seen  Charley  a 
pitcher  of  a  man  that  was  suposed  to  be  a  detective 
only  they  was  a  bandige  over  his  eyes  so  as  he  could- 
ent  see  nothing  and  he  was  holding  out  his  hand  and 
a  stick  up  guy  or  some  thing  was  puting  a  role  of 
bills  in  his  hand  and  under  the  neath  they  was  a  pome 
sane  all  detectives  was  cheap  grafters.  Well  Charley 
it  made  me  so  sore  I  couldent  hardily  talk  and  when 


100 


OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 


I  got  on  the  train  Martin 
seen  they  was  some  thing 
wrong  so  he  ast  me  what 
was  the  matter  so  I  showed 
him  the  valentine  and  he 
says  he  dident  blame  me 
for  getting  sore  and  who 
ever  sent  it  was  a  dirty 
trick  and  if  he  was  me  he 
wouldent  never  rest  till  he 
found  out  who  sent  it  and  then  he  would  get  even 
with  them.  Well  the  address  on  the  envellop  was 
wrote  with  a  tipe  writer  so  I  couldent  tell  whose 
hand  writeing  it  was  so  I  says  to  Martin  how  was  I 
going  to  find  out  who  sent  it  and  he  says  I  thot  you 
was  a  detective  and  I  says  I  am  a  detective  but  I 
dont  know  no  body  mean  enough  to  pull  off  a  stunt 
like  that  and  he  says  I  bet  it  was  your  friend  Ham 
ilton  and  as  soon  is  he  menshoned  Hamiltons  name 
of  corse  I  knowed  it  must  of  been  him. 

Well  Charley  what  do  you  think  of  a  man  that  will 
pull  off  a  dirty  trick  like  that  and  he  aint  man  enough 
to  come  out  and  say  some  thing  to  my  face  and  I 
told  Martin  I  says  I  would  go  to  Hamiltons  house 
on  my  way  home  that  night  and  call  him  out  on  the 
porch  and  bust  his  jaw  for  him  and  Martin  says  if 
I  done  that  it  would  get  into  all  the  papers  and  I 
would  get  in  bad  and  besides  that  would  spoil  my 
idear  a  bout  hanging  the  small  pox  sine  on  Hamil- 


UNCIVIL  WAR 


101 


tons  door  because  if  I  took  a  punch  at  Hamilton  he 
would  probily  half  to  call  in  the  Dr.  and  go  to  bed 
and  they  wouldent  be  no  party.  So  I  decide  it  to  try 
and  hold  on  to  my  temper  and  that  night  when  I  seen 
the  Hamiltons  was  eating  there  supper  I  snuck  over 
on  there  porch  and  hung  the  sine  up  and  then  I  came 
home  and  ett  supper  and  set  where  I  could  look  over 
on  there  porch  and  what  do  you  think  Charley  he  was 

' 


to  cheap  to  light  up  the  electrick  light  on  the  front 
porch  and  it  was  as  dark  is  a  pitch  but  he  dident 
never  light  the  light  all  evening  but  just  left  the 
porch  dark  and  of  corse  the  peopl  that  come  to  the 
party  couldent  see  no  sine  or  nothing  else  on  the 
porch  so  they  went  in  the  house  like  they  was  noth 
ing  wrong  and  I  could  hear  them  singing  and  enjoin 
them  self  till  after  midnight.  What  do  you  think  of 
a  guy  Charley  thats  so  cheap  he  wont  light  up  his 


102 


OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 


lights  but  just  as  soon  leave  his  f rends  stumble  in 
the  dark  and  brake  there  neck. 

Well  Charley  I  finely  went  to  bed  when  I  seen  they 
wasent  nothing  comeing  off  and  as  soon  is  I  got  up 
yest.  A.  M.  I  looked  over  there  and  some  body  had 
tooken  the  sine  down  all  ready.  Well  I  guess  Grace 
must  think  Im  sick  or  some  thing  the  way  I  been 
acting  yest.  and  today  because  Im  still  so  sore  yet 
that  I  cant  hardily  talk  to  no  body  and  if  it  wasent 


like  picking  on  a  baby  I  would  go  over  to  Hamiltons 
house  right  now  and  bust  his  big  nose  for  him. 

I  dont  half  to  tell  you  Charley  that  I  dident  never 
take  a  nickle  that  wasent  comeing  to  me  and  the  only 
thing  I  ever  got  from  stick  up  men  was  abuse  and 
thats  because  I  been  after  them  all  my  life  and  if  it 
wasent  for  me  theyd  brake  in  to  the  mayors  house 
wile  he  was  eating  his  lunch  and  steal  the  cream  off 


UNCIVIL  WAR  103 


of  his  coffee  but  they  aint  been  %  tne  stic^  UPS  anc* 
burglerys  sence  I  been  over  looking  that  end  of  it 
and  now  this  swell  head  pup  trys  to  call  me  a  thief 
and  a  grafter  but  you  can  bet  your  last  shirt  that 
he  will  hear  from  me  beffore  Im  threw  with  him  the 
cheap  bum. 

Well  Charley  they  should  ought  to  be  a  law  against 
sending  these  here  valentines  and  it  may  be  it  might 
be  all  O.  K.  to  send  them  pretty  valentines  with  the 
flowers  on  them  to  the  wommen  but  they  should  ought 
to  bar  these  here  comical  ones  and  there  a  bout  as 
comical  is  a  hanging  over  to  the  county  jail  and  it 
might  be  all  right  to  send  them  for  a  joke  but  not 
try  and  inselt  some  body  and  call  them  a  crook.  Hes 
so  crook  it  him  self  that  you  couldent  pull  corks  with 
him  hey  Charley. 

Your  Bro. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.  March  1. 

Bro.  Charley.  Well  Charley  I  wisht  you  could  of 
been  a  long  with  us  last  night  you  and  Mary  the 
both  of  you  but  I  dont  know  if  Mary  would  of  liked 
to  went  a  long  or  not  because  we  was  over  to  the 
Martins  and  when  your  in  the  same  house  with  a  lady 
that  dresses  like  Mrs.  Martin  a  womman  must  feel 
pretty  slopy  a  long  the  side  of  them  close  Mrs.  Mar 
tin  wares  and  of  corse  I  aint  sane  that  Mary  cant  look 


104  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

good  when  she  wants  to  but  this  here  Mrs.  Martin 
has  got  them  all  beat  when  it  comes  to  close  but  at 
that  shes  all  ways  talking  a  bout  she  wisht  she  could 
get  a  hold  of  some  close  like  Grace  wares  and  only 
last  night  she  was  after  Grace  to  leave  her  borry  1 
of  her  dresses  and  ware  it  to  a  mask  raid. 

Well  Charley  Martin  give  us  some  cock  tales  that 
he  made  them  up  him  self  and  if  a  man  drunk  3  of 
them  you  would  start  down  the  dranege  cannel  in  a 
finger  bold  but  he  give  us  2  of  them  and  a  few  bot 
tles  of  beer  and  beffore  the  evening  was  over  Mrs. 
Martin  was  lerning  Grace  the  ballad  dance  and  you 
ought  to  see  Mrs.  Martin  dance  Charley  and  its  bet 
ter  than  any  thing  I  ever  seen  down  to  the  Columbia 
but  if  Grace  had  to  make  a  liveing  ballad  danceing 
she  would  starv  her  self  to  deth  for  lack  of  nothing 
to  eat  and  they  wasent  nothing  in  Martins  house  that 
she  dident  run  in  to  it  and  I  bet  if  the  chairs  and 
tables  could  talk  they  would  of  hollered  murder. 

Well  we  dident  play  no  cards  but  we  fooled  a  round 
and  done  this  in  that  and  they  turned  on  the  phone- 
graf  and  I  and  Mrs.  Martin  danced  to  gather  and 
I  thot  I  had  a  arm  full  of  flowers  and  then  we  set 
down  and  talked  and  Martin  ast  me  hadent  I  did 
nothing  to  Hamilton  for  sending  me  that  valentine 
and  I  says  no  I  hadent  because  I  and  Grace  had 
talked  it  over  to  gather  and  Id  told  her  all  a  bout  it 
and  I  and  her  had  made  it  up  in  our  mind  to  not  do 
nothing  more  a  bout  it  but  just  leave  the  Hamiltons 


UNCIVIL  WAR 


105 


a  lone  and  act  like  they  wasent  no  such  peopl  and 
then  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Martin  both  says  they  thot  we 
was  suckers  to  leave  Hamilton  get  off  so  easy  when 
hed  inselted  I  and  Grace  so  I  says  well  I  cant  think 
of  nothing  to  do  only  go  over  there  and  bust  him  in 
the  jaw  and  Martin  says  well  may  be  he  could  think 
up  some  thing  him  self  and  if  he  could  think  up  a 


good  1  he  would  tell  me  because  he  was  my  frend 
and  dont  like  to  see  a  man  get  the  worst  of  it  and 
thats  the  kind  of  a  friend  to  have  hey  Charley.  Mar 
tins  entirely  diffrent  from  a  big  stiff  which  is  to 
cheap  to  light  up  the  lights  in  his  house  when  hes 
giveing  a  party. 
,  Well  Charley  I  wisht  you  and  Mary  could  see  the 


106  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

Martins  and  I  bet  they  aint  no  body  liveing  near  you 
thats  as  good  Co.  as  them  and  I  and  Grace  is  pretty 
lucky  to  have  them  liveing  the  next  door  to  us  only 
we  dont  no  more  then  brake  even  on  neighbors  with  the 
Hamiltons  on  the  other  side. 
Best  rgds.  to  Mary. 

Your  Bro. 

Fred  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.  March  9. 

Dear  Charley.  Well  Charley  I  put  1  over  on  Ham 
ilton  and  of  corse  he  wont  never  know  who  done 
it  but  still  in  all  it  made  him  good  and  sore  and  this 
time  I  seen  him  when  he  found  out  a  bout  it  and  I 
was  laughing  at  him  only  he  couldent  see  me  because 
I  was  where  he  couldent  see  me. 

Well  Charley  I  will  tell  you  what  I  done  and  it 
was  Martins  idear  and  I  will  give  him  creddit  for  it. 
Hamiltons  got  a  automobile  and  they  been  running 
it  all  winter  because  they  got  1  of  these  here  tops 
on  it  thats  just  like  a  room  you  might  say  air  tight 
and  glass  insted  of  just  'curtins  so  they  can  run  it 
in  the  winter  with  out  geting  cold  and  then  in  the 
summer  they  take  the  top  part  off  of  it  and  have  a 
reglar  automobile.  Well  theys  lots  of  evenings  when 
Hamilton  leaves  the  automobile  out  side  there  house 
on  the  st.  in  front  of  the  house  wile  there  in  side  the 
house  enjoin  them  self  in  the  evening  so  Martin  says 


UNCIVIL  WAR  107 

why  dident  I  go  after  Hamiltons  automobile  and  I 
ast  him  what  did  he  mean  and  he  says  take  a  knife 
over  there  some  night  when  the  automobile  was  stand 
ing  out  the  side  by  the  curb  and  cut  the  tires  and  if 
I  cut  the  tires  the  air  would  all  come  out  of  them  and 
Hamilton  would  half  to  put  on  some  new  tires  so  I 
says  no  I  wouldent  do  that  because  that  would  be 
destroying  a  mans  property  and  I  wouldent  mix  up 
in  nothing  like  that  and  take  a  chanct  of  geting  in 
bad  down  town  so  then  Martin  says  Well  if  you  dont 
want  to  cut  the  tires  theys  still  an  other  way  yet 
that  you  can  let  the  air  out  of  them  and  thats  un 
screw  the  valves  thats  on  the  tires  and  the  wind  would 
come  out  but  they  wouldent  be  no  property  destroyed 
because  the  air  be  longs  to  me  just  as  much  is  Ham 
ilton  only  it  would  make  him  awfull  sore  if  he  was  in 
a  hurry  to  go  some  wheres. 

So  the  night  beffore  last  I  pulled  it  off  Charley  and 
I  had  quiet  a  time  doing  it  because  theys  some  fancy 
kind  of  valve  on  the  tires  thats  hard  to  get  off  and 
leave  the  air  come  out  but  I  finely  done  it  while  Ham 
ilton  and  his  wife  and  who  ever  was  there  vissiting 
them  was  in  the  house  and  I  was  scarred  all  the  wile 
some  body  would  see  me  on  acct.  of  the  automobile 
bean  lit  up  but  no  body  seen  me  and  when  Id  pulled 
it  off  I  snuck  back  over  to  my  house  and  watched  out 
the  window  for  Hamilton  and  his  friends  to  come  out 
and  finely  they  come  and  I  wisht  you  could  of  herd  him 
Charley  when  he  found  out  what  had  came  off  and  he 


108 


OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 


swore  right  in  front  of  his  wife  and  a  lady  that  was 
with  them  and  says  it  must  be  some  of  the  kids  in  the 
neighbors  hood  that  done  it  because  they  wouldenb  no 
groan  up  man  pull  some  thing  like  that  and  thats 
where  Mr.  Hamilton  got  fooled  hey  Charley  because 
if  I  aint  groan  up  yet  I  guess  I  will  be  a  gient  when 
I  get  my  groth  hey  Charley. 

Well  it  took  them  over  %  a  h°ur  to  get  there 


blowed  up  again  and  they  sent  the  wommen  folks  in 
the  house  wile  they  done  the  work  and  its  a  good  thing 
the  wommen  wasent  where  they  could  hear  Hamil 
ton  talking  all  the  wile  or  theyd  of  thot  he  was  try 
ing  to  see  how  many  wds.  could  he  make  up  and  I 
will  half  to  slip  it  to  him  Charley  he  can  cuss  as  good 
is  the  chief  when  the  news  papers  gets  after  the  dept. 
I  guess  that  will  hold  Mr.  Hamilton  a  wile  Charley 
and  I  bet  he  would  of  cust  some  more  if  he  could  of 
saw  me  seting  behind  the  window  lissining  to  him 


UNCIVIL  WAR 


109 


and  I  had  the  window  part  of  the  way  open  and 
pretty  near  froze  to  deth  but  it  was  worth  freeze- 
ing  to  deth  to  lissen  to  the  cheap  stiff  rave.  Well 
Charley  him  and  Mrs.  Hamilton  and  there  friends  may 
be  high  socitey  and  so  4th  but  that  dont  stop  the  air 
from  runing  out  of  there  tires  onct  in  a  wile  hey  Char 
ley. 

Well  I  guess  I  aint  told  you  a  bout  I  and  Grace  is 


going  to  give  a  party  and  I  thot  we  was  all  threw  with 
partys  for  a  wile  but  Grace  says  that  Mrs.  Martin 
told  her  we  ought  to  give  a  hole  lot  of  partys  on  acct. 
of  us  bean  new  peopl  in  town  and  if  we  wanted  to 
stand  in  good  we  should  ought  to  enter  tane  a  good 
eel  so  wear  going  to  give  a  party  next  Fri.  night  only 
it  wont  be  none  of  these  here  stew  partys  or  no  ruff 
stuff  but  evry  thing  the  best  and  up  to  the  date  and 
Mrs.  Martin  has  gave  Grace  a  lot  of  tips  a  bout  how 


110  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

should  a  party  be  ran  and  I  guess  the  peopl  will  think 
wear  as  good  is  the  Hamiltons  or  any  of  them  swell 
heads  before  wear  threw  but  of  corse  we  aint  going 
to  ast  the  Hamiltons  because  I  wouldent  have  them  in 
the  house. 

This  here  partys  going  to  cost  us  some  money  but 
its  like  Mrs.  Martin  told  Grace  if  you  want  to  live 
right  you  got  to  pay  for  it  and  they  cant  no  cheap 
skates  get  by  with  the  right  peopl  in  a  place  like  this 
here.  Grace  is  going  to  serve  them  with  sand  witchs 
and  ice  cream  and  coffee  and  cake  only  not  no  cheap 
home  made  ice  cream  but  get  it  from  the  drug  store 
and  they  will  be  16  of  us  all  to  gather  the  Martins  and 
the  Curtis  and  Carrys  and  some  other  nice  peopl  we 
met  a  round  here  and  you  might  say  its  the  cream  of 
Allison  socitey  and  of  corse  we  got  to  play  auction 
bridge  whist  on  acct.  of  that  bean  the  swell  game  a 
round  here  tho  it  aint  near  the  game  like  cinch  is. 

Well  Charley  I  wisht  you  and  Mary  could  be  here 
for  the  party  even  if  it  would  leave  1  couple  out  of 
the  card  game  because  with  you  here  they  would  be 
18  of  us  includeing  I  and  Grace  but  any  way  take  care 
of  your  self  and  regards  to  Mary. 
Your  Brother, 

F.  A.  Gross. 


UNCIVIL  WAR  111 

Mison,  111.  March  14 

Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  I  guess  I  would 
be  better  off  if  I  was  a  cheap  skate  like  some  peopl  and 
if  I  was  a  cheap  skate  they  wouldent  of  never  noth 
ing  came  off  like  last  night.  Well  Charley  I  been  so 
sore  sense  it  come  off  that  I  was  a  bout  to  pull  my  gun 
on  some  body  with  out  naming  no  names  but  a  man 
can  be  drove  so  far  Charley  and  not  no  father  and  if 
it  wasent  for  what  would  happen  to  Grace  I  would 
shoot  this  here  Hamilton  full  of  led  and  take  my  medi- 
son  only  I  dont  believe  theys  a  jury  in  the  world  that 
would  convict  me  when  I  told  them  what  he  pulled  off. 

Well  Charley  theys  a  big  diff runts  between  a  joke 
and  not  a  joke  and  if  Hamilton  thinks  that  what  he 
done  was  funny  I  feel  sorry  for  him  but  he  dident  do 
it  because  he  thot  it  was  funny  Charley  but  because 
he  dont  know  how  to  do  nothing  but  play  mean  rotten 
tricks  like  sending  me  that  valentine. 

Grace  wont  never  give  no  more  partys  Charley  and 
I  dont  never  want  to  here  the  word  party  so  dont  never 
tell  me  a  bout  no  party  Charley. 

Well  Charley  we  was  seting  in  the  parlor  I  and 
Grace  and  waiting  for  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Martin  and  the 
rest  of  our  guests  to  come  and  it  was  geting1  kind  a 
late  and  Grace  kept  sane  a  bout  how  late  it  was  geting 
and  all  of  a  sudden  the  telephone  rung  and  I  went  and 
ansered  the  bell  and  ast  who  was  it  and  it  was  Mrs. 
Martin  and  she  says  to  excuse  her  for  calling  up  but 


OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 


she  couldent  wait  no  longer  to  find  out  weather  she 
couldent  do  some  thing  for  us  and  find  out  who  was  it 
and  I  ast  her  what  she  ment  who  was  it  and  she  says 
she  ment  who  was  it  the  krape  was  hanging  on  the 
front  door  for  and  I  says  they  wasent  no  krape  on  the 
front  door  and  she  says  Id  better  go  and  look  and  I 
went  out  there  and  sure  enough  they  was  krape  on 
the  door  like  they  was  some  body  dead.  Charley 
come  to  find  out  the  Curtis  and  the  Carrys  and 
2  or  3  other  peopl  was  comeing  to  the  party  to 
gather  and  just  beffore  they  start  it  to  ring  the  door 
bell  they  noticed  this  here  krape  on  the  door  and  a 
couple  of  the  wommen  pretty  near  fainted  a  way  and 
finely  Curtis  says  lets  ring  the  bell  and  find  out  whats 
happened  but  Carry  says  no  he  dident  feel  like  come 
ing  in  to  a  house  where  they  was  krape  on  the  door 
when  he  was  all  drest  up  gay  for  a  party  so  finely  they 
decide  it  to  go  over  and  ast  the  Martins  if  they  knowed 
any  thing  a  bout  it  on  acct.  of  them  liveing  next  door. 
Mrs.  Martin  screamed  when  they  told  her  a  bout  it 
and  when  her  and  Martin  and  the  rest  of  them  come 
back  and  seen  the  krape  again  and  Mrs.  Martin  was 
pretty  near  haveing  histericks  SO  Martin  took  her  home 
and  Martin  says  to  the  other  peopl  that  it  looked  like 
some  thing  awfull  had  happened  and  says  evry  body 
had  better  go  home  and  after  a  wile  when  Mrs.  Martin 
got  back  her  nerve  she  would  ring  us  up  and  find  out 
what  could  of  happened  and  then  she  would  call  the 
rest  of  them  up  and  tell  them  a  bout  it.  Well  it  wasent 


UNCIVIL  WAR 


113 


till  pretty  near  10  a  clock  that  she  got  her  nerve  up 
and  called  up  on  the  phone  and  then  of  corse  we  ex 
plained  that  it  was  1  of  Hamiltons  dirty  tricks  and 
Grace  wanted  Mrs.  Martin  to  come  over  and  have  the 
party  and  Grace  would  call  up  the  rest  of  the  peopl 
and  tell  them  a  bout  it  and  we  could  have  the  party 
any  way  and  better  have  it  late  then  never  but  Mrs. 
Martin  says  her  party  close  was  all  off  and  hung  up 


and  it  would  be  £  hrs.  beffore  she  could  get  drest  again 
so  she  was  sorry  that  it  had  happened  but  they  wasent 
nothing  she  could  do  accept  tell  me  that  if  she  was  me 
and  any  body  had  put  some  thing  like  that  over  on 
her  she  would  of  shot  them  full  of  holes  so  Grace  called 
up  the  Curtis  and  the  Carrys  and  told  them  about  the 
miss  take  but  some  of  them  was  like  Mrs.  Martin  with 
there  party  close  off  of  them  and  hung  up  all  ready 
and  they  all  says  they  was  so  worried  a  bout  seen  the 


OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

krape  that  they  couldent  come  now  even  if  they  was 
drest  and  they  says  theyd  been  seting  up  to  hear  from 
Mrs.  Martin  a  bout  what  had  happened  and  they 
wouldent  of  never  been  able  to  sleep  if  some  thing 
had  of  relay  happened  but  now  they  was  so  releived 
that  they  thot  they  would  try  and  go  to  sleep  and  for 
get  it  and  so  4th. 

Well  Charley  that  was  all  right  and  nice  of  them  to 
feel  so  sorry  for  us  but  what  a  bout  the  refreshmunts 
and  the  3  qts.  of  ice  cream  from  the  drug  store  and 
it  was  there  best  stuff  40  cts.  a  qt.  and  how  a  bout  the 
%  new  decks  of  cards  we  had  boughten  for  the  party 
and  how  a  bout  I  and  Grace  going  to  all  that  trubble 
and  dressing  up  swell  and  so  4th.  Well  Charley  Mrs. 
Martin  says  we  should  ought  to  posepone  the  party 
and  have  it  some  other  night  but  Grace  says  she  was 
threw  with  partys  and  I  says  the  next  1  that  says 
some  thing  to  me  a  bout  a  party  would  get  a  crack  in 
the  jaw. 

Thats  what  a  man  gets  for  not  bean  no  cheap  skate 
Charley  and  if  I  had  of  been  a  cheap  skate  and  left 
the  light  off  on  the  front  porch  like  Hamilton  done 
the  cheap  stiff  the  1st.  peopl  that  got  there  would 
ent  of  saw  the  krape  and  would  of  rang  the  door  bell 
and  then  ether  I  or  Grace  would  of  went  to  the  door 
and  they  wouldent  of  been  no  trubble. 

Well  Charley  Im  trying  my  best  to  hold  on  to  my 
temper  so  as  I  wont  go  over  to  Hamiltons  house  and 
shoot  him  up  but  as  Grace  says  it  probly  wasent  Mrs. 


UNCIVIL  WAR  115 

Hamiltons  fait  but  just  Hamilton  him  self  and  I 
wouldent  have  no  right  to  make  a  widow  out  of  her 
just  because  her  husband  aint  no  good  and  a  speshuly 
when  I  dont  know  weather  lies  going  to  leave  his  wife 
enough  to  live  on. 

But  I  guess  you  know  me  well  enough  to  know  that 
he  aint  going  to  get  by  with  out  no  come  back  and  I 
will  pull  off  some  thing  on  him  that  will  make  him 
wisht  he  had  treated  I  and  Grace  with  respect  and  I 
feel  like  going  right  over  to  there  house  and  hanging 
the  krape  on  there  own  door  and  see  how  they  like  it 
only  Grace  says  whats  the  use  of  giveing  them  back 
there  krape  because  I  and  her  cant  live  for  ever  and  it 
dont  do  no  harm  keeping  some  a  round  the  house. 

Well  Charley  wait  till  I  get  back  at  him  and  regards 

to  Mary. 

Your  Bro.  F.  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.  March  18. 

Dear  Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  I  got  Ham 
ilton  on  the  run  now  and  beff ore  Im  threw  with  him  he 
will  be  hollering  for  help.  Martin  give  me  the  idear 
and  its  the  best  yet  and  its  a  grate  thing  to  have  Mar 
tin  on  my  side  and  helping  me  a  long  and  it  looks  like 
now  Hamilton  would  come  over  pretty  soon  and  ast 
me  to  let  up  on  him  because  I  been  pulling  this  for 
over  2  days  and  he  aint  going  to  stand  for  it  much 
longer  with  out  hollering  for  help. 


116  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

Well  Charley  Martin  told  me  a  bout  the  idear  and 
heres  what  I  been  doing  I  been  calling  up  Hamiltons 
house  on  the  phone  all  hrs.  of  the  day  and  night  and 
when  I  get  him  on  the  phone  I  change  my  voice  like 
and  talk  in  a  diffrunt  voice  and  ast  him  who  is  he  and 
when  he  says  who  he  is  I  ast  him  some  question  like  why 
dont  you  come  and  hall  a  way  the  garbidge  or  why 
dont  you  come  and  do  this  in  that  like  he  was  the  gar 
bidge  man  or  the  plummer  or  some  body.  I  had  to  fix 
it  up  with  the  girl  down  to  the  tellephone  office  and  I 
told  her  to  not  let  Hamilton  know  who  was  calling  him 
up  and  tell  him  she  for  got  who  was  it  and  she  says  at 
1st  she  wouldent  do  it  but  finely  she  says  she  would  do 
it  for  a  couple  of  days  because  I  told  her  I  and  Hamil 
ton  is  the  best  kind  of  f rends  and  I  was  just  playing  a 
little  joke  on  him  but  it  aint  no  joke  with  me  Charley 
and  if  I  and  him  is  friends  so  is  2  bull  dogs  only  he 
aint  no  bull  dog  but  a  hound  that  cant  do  nothing  but 
wine.  I  can  see  out  of  the  window  when  he  sets  down 
to  breakfast  and  then  I  call  him  up  and  as  soon  is  Ive 
said  what  I  got  to  say  I  start  for  the  train  so  he  sees 
me  coming  down  the  st.  and  dont  never  suspect  that 
its  me  calling  him  up  and  then  when  I  get  home  again 
I  call  him  up  at  supper  time  and  2  or  3  times  in  the 
evening  and  onct  after  I  think  hes  went  to  bed  at 
night.  Well  Charley  I  bet  Ive  got  him  crazy  by  this 
time  and  hes  a  bout  ready  to  quit  because  the  last  2 
times  I  called  him  up  he  wouldent  come  to  the  phone 
but  his  higher  girl  says  he  wasent  in  and  she  says  if 


UNCIVIL  WAR  117 

who  ever  it  was  kept  on  calling  him  he  was  going  to 
have  them  arrested.  Fine  chance  hey  Charley.  But 
it  aint  no  good  idear  only  for  a  little  wile  because  now 
he  wont  come  to  the  phone  and  the  tellephone  girl  says 
its  went  on  long  enough  and  she  scarred  she  will  get 
fired  so  it  looks  like  Id  half  to  cut  it  out  but  I  guess 
hes  reddy  to  holler  enough  and  call  evry  thing  quits 
but  hes  got  it  comeing  to  him  Charley.  Give  the  dev- 
vil  his  do  as  they  say  and  best  regards  to  Mary. 
Your  Brother,  Fred.  A.  Gross. 


Allison,  111.,  March  20. 

Dear  Brother  Charley.  Well  Charley  this  will  be 
a  supprise  to  you  after  what  I  been  telling  you  right 
a  long  and  it  was  a  supprise  to  me  onily  I  kind  a  sus 
pect  it  all  the  wile  that  this  here  Martin  was  wrong. 
He  dident  never  act  right  some  way  so  finding  out  a 
bout  him  dident  supprise  me  like  it  would  of  if  I  had- 
ent  of  suspect  it  him  all  the  wile. 

Well  Charley  it  wasent  Hamilton  that  was  pulling 
all  the  dirty  work  like  sending  me  that  valentine  and 
hanging  krape  on  my  door  and  so  4th.  but  it  was 
Martin  all  the  time  and  I  and  Hamilton  is  good  friends 
now  and  he  says  he  dident  never  mean  no  harm  to  me 
and  says  both  him  and  Mrs.  Hamilton  and  there  higher 
girl  thot  the  cat  was  geting  enough  to  eat.  And  he 
says  he  wouldent  never  think  of  mixxing  up  in  no 
brail  with  his  neighbors  so  I  and  him  feels  the  same 


118  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

way  to  gather  a  bout  it  and  they  wont  be  no  more 
trubble  between  us. 

Well  Charley  you  wont  hardily  beleive  that  a  man 
could  live  as  mean  and  nasty  is  this  here  Martin  try 
ing  to  make  trubble  between  neighbors  and  I  will  tell 
you  the  reason  why  he  done  it  Charley  and  you  will 
see  what  kind  of  a  bum  he  is  and  no  wonder  I  never 
relay  liked  him.  In  the  1st.  place  he  was  sore  at  Ham- 
iltons  because  Mrs.  Hamilton  hadent  payed  no  call  on 
Mrs.  Martin  and  Hamilton  says  that  him  and  his  wife 
seen  right  a  way  that  Martin  wasent  no  good  and  thats 
why  Mrs.  Hamilton  dident  call  on  Mrs.  Martin  be 
cause  she  dident  want  to  get  mixxed  up  with  them 
and  the  Hamiltons  is  high  socitey  here  so  Martin  got 
sore  because  him  and  his  wife  couldent  horn  in  to  the 
4  hundred  club.  So  he  used  me  for  a  Tool  you  might 
say  and  kept  edgeing  me  on  by  sane  it  was  Hamil 
ton  that  was  doing  all  them  things  to  me  and  all  the 
wile  he  was  doing  them  him  self  so  I  would  think  it  was 
Hamilton  and  keep  pestering  him  like  I  done.  Grace 
says  at  1  st.  that  may  be  Martin  was  onily  doing  it  for 
a  joke  but  Hamiltons  higher  girl  and  Martins  higher 
girl  is  pals  and  Martins  higher  girl  told  Hamiltons 
higher  girl  that  Martin  was  sore  at  Hamiltons  and 
thats  why  he  done  it.  Well  Charley  between  I  and  you 
they  was  an  other  reason  that  Grace  or  Hamilton  dont 
know  nothing  about  it  and  I  will  tell  you  a  bout  it 
onily  dont  say  nothing  even  to  Mary.  This  here 
Martin  was  sore  at  me  Charley  on  acct.  of  the  way 


UNCIVIL  WAR  119 

his  wife  looked  at  me  and  thot  may  be  I  was  trying  to 
steal  his  wife  and  you  know  Charley  that  I  aint  in  that 
kind  of  busness  but  I  cant  help  it  if  a  womman  looks 
at  me  onct  in  a  wile  and  I  noticed  Mrs.  Martin  myself 
so  of  corse  her  husband  could  see  it  to  and  they  could- 
ent  no  body  help  from  not  noticeing  it  unlest  they 
was  blind.  But  what  could  I  do  a  bout  it  nothing. 

Well  Charley  it  all  come  out  last  night  and  we 
had  some  big  time  and  I  dont  never  want  an  other 
time  like  it  only  Im  glad  that  I  and  Hamilton  under 
stands  each  other  and  Hamilton  says  he  will  see  that 
the  town  pays  for  what  ever  dammige  was  did  a  round 
my  house.  Martin  was  to  yellow  to  stay  home  wile 
he  was  pulling  off  his  little  trick  and  neither  him  or 
his  wifes  been  home  sence  yest.  beffore  supper  and 
the  house  is  shut  up  but  he  needent  be  scarred  Im 
going  to  do  nothing  to  him  not  now  any  way  because 
Hamilton  says  for  me  to  lay  lowe  and  pertend  like 
I  dident  know  the  truth  and  if  Martin  tries  some 
thing  more  Hamilton  will  go  in  with  me  and  we  will 
run  him  out  of  town  and  an  other  reason  is  acct.  of 
Im  sorry  for  Mrs.  Martin  and  to  bad  shes  got  to  be 
tide  up  to  a  man  like  he  and  you  couldent  hardily 
blame  her  for  looking  at  an  other  man  onct  in  a  wile. 

Well  Charley  I  aint  got  much  time  so  I  will  hurry 
up  and  tell  you  what  come  off.  I  and  Grace  went 
to  bed  early  last  night  and  we  wasent  hardily  no  more 
then  in  bed  when  we  heard  the  fire  whistle  blown  and 
of  a  sudden  we  herd  the  fire  enjine  and  hose  cart  out 


120  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

in  front  of  the  house  and  then  the  front  door  bell 
rung  like  they  was  trying  to  wake  up  the  town  and 
I  thot  may  be  the  house  was  on  fire  so  I  run  down 
in  my  night  gown  and  opened  up  the  door  and  pretty 
near  got  drownded.  Well  Charley  the  hose  was  turned 
right  on  me  and  me  with  out  nothing  on  only  my 
night  gown  and  they  give  it  to  me  full  forse  all  over. 
Well  I  tride  to  holler  at  them  to  quit  but  a  man  cant 
holler  very  good  with  the  hose  turned  in  to  your 
mouth  and  I  guess  it  would  of  been  all  off  with  me 
only  for  Hamilton  comeing. 

'  He  grabed  the  %  guys  that  was  holding  the  nozzle 
and  busted  1  of  them  and  told  them  if  they  dident 
shut  off  the  water  insolently  he  would  have  them  all 
in  jail  and  they  seen  who  he  was  and  shut  it  off.  Well 
Charley  the  hole  lore  flr.  of  the  house  was  under  water 
pretty  near  and  I  was  a  reck.  But  I  had  sence  enough 
left  to  send  Grace  up  stares  beffore  I  done  any  thing 
else.  When  she  was  out  of  the  way  Hamilton  come 
in  and  brung  the  fire  men  a  long  with  him  and  then 
he  ast  them  what  did  it  mean  and  at  1st.  they  says 
it  must  of  been  a  falts  allarm  but  he  says  dont  try 
any  monky  busness  with  me  and  the  best  thing  you 
can  do  is  tell  the  truth  and  then  he  told  them  right 
out  what  he  suspect  it  and  they  owned  up  to  it  and 
told  us  how  Martin  had  got  them  to  do  it  and  they 
thot  it  was  just  a  joke  between  f rends  or  they  would- 
ent  of  had  nothing  to  do  with  it. 


UNCIVIL  WAR 


Well  Charley  what  do  you  think  of  that.  Martin 
give  them  a  peace  of  money  and  got  a  few  drinks 
under  there  belt  and  then  told  them  to  pull  this  off 
and  says  it  was  just  a  joke  and  that  I  and  him  was 
frends.  A  fine  frend  hey  Charley. 

Well  Hamilton  give  them  a  awfull  balling  and  then 


told  them  to  beet  it  and  if  they  ever  done  any  thing 
like  that  again  he  would  get  them  and  hes  1  of  the 
bord  that  runs  the  town  so  you  can  bet  they  payed  a 
tension  to  what  he  says. 

Then  Hamilton  come  in  and  told  me  to  go  up  stares 
and  get  some  dry  close  on  because  he  wanted  to  talk 


122  OWN  YOUR  OWN  HOME 

to  me  so  I  went  up  and  finnished  my  bath  with  a 
towl  and  put  on  a  pare  of  pants  and  a  shirt  and  come 
down  and  I  and  Hamilton  had  a  good  long  talk. 

Well  Hamilton  says  that  him  and  his  wife  had 
knew  a  bout  what  Martin  was  puting  over  on  me  for 
sevrul  days  but  they  thot  it  wasent  there  busness  to 
but  in  unlest  they  was  some  real  dammige  done  and 
when  Hamilton  seen  the  fire  dept.  out  in  the  front  of 
my  house  he  thot  it  was  a  bout  time  to  enter  fear  and 
I  thanked  him  and  we  talked  it  all  over  and  had  a 
drink  to  gather  and  shook  hands  and  he  went  home 


onily  he  told  me  beffore  he  went  to  not  try  and  do 
nothing  untill  I  could  get  Martin  good  and  to  wait 
for  Martin  to  make  the  next  move. 

Well  Charley  it  looks  like  I  and  Grace  would  be 
in  right  with  the  Hamiltons  and  the  rest  of  the  4 
hundred  club  and  may  be  Martin  will  know  enough 
to  not  try  nothing  more  but  if  he  does  I  and  Hamil 
ton  will  have  him  drove  out  of  town  onily  a  man  cant 
help  from  feeling  sorry  for  Mrs.  Martin  and  I  wont 
do  nothing  to  injur  her  because  a  womman  cant  be 
blamed  for  looking  at  an  other  roan  onct  in  a  wile. 


UNCIVIL  WAR 


123 


Well  Charley  when  Martin  comes  back  I  guess  he 
will  be  supprised  to  find  I  and  Grace  hobbling  a  round 
with  the  Hamiltons  and  the  other  high  monky  monks 
hey  Charley. 

Your  Bro. 
Fred  A.  Gross. 


FOURTEEN  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


REC'D  LD 


AUG  2  4  1956 


IQApr'SlFtr 


'D  LD 


MAR  31 


OCT2919BB  a  9 
RECUVED 


LOAN  DEPT 


LD  21-100m-2,'55 
(B139s22)476 


General  Library 

University  of  California 

Berkeley 


YB  73824 


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